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“Don’t know what made me tell Coco tonight,” I said. “I don’t tell anyone. Neither does Fernanda. We don’t talk about it. Never even told Chelsea.”
“Chelsea?”
“The last serious girlfriend I had.”
“Oh,” she whispered.
“The one I did two years in jail for.”
“You never told her?”
“No. Me and Ma talked about it a couple times, couple drunken nights when she got all gloomy. Not fun. No happy talk, happy memories. She knew he was depressed and thought she could love him enough to fix it. But it didn’t work. Because of what he did, how he did it, it’s hard to remember the happy shit. And there were happy times. But Jimmy Garcia is a topic we won’t talk about. Because it hurts too fuckin’ much.”
“I was meant to walk in on that. To learn about the damage I was doing to you. I didn’t know I was hurting you. And I never want to hurt you. And maybe you were meant to get it out so maybe that’s why it all happened like this tonight.”
“Maybe.”
“Nobody knows I cut. Nobody but you.”
This surprised me.
“Nobody pays that much attention, Jesse. No one ever has. Not until you.”
I kissed her. “That’s bullshit. You shoulda had a lot of people payin’ attention, havin’ your back. Good thing I came along.”
“Good thing?” she asked, eyes bright with more tears. “No. The best thing. The thing I never thought I’d have. Not ever. I had a momma who couldn’t be bothered taking care of me and who then got jealous of me when I grew boobs. Always treated me like a slut, even when I’d never been kissed. Had to put up with her boyfriends pawing at me trying to do things to me and she’d get jealous. Went to jail for dealing drugs and then got out and didn’t want me back. I had a daddy who only cared about getting drunk and getting laid. He tried to make money off my singing by taking me to places no young girl should go so I’d clam up, get shy, and it’d make him so mad he’d cuff me on the back of the head. Who’d want to sing on a stage when you knew it was only gonna buy you attention you didn’t want? Buy your daddy more booze and make him meaner? Boys, men, always wanted something from me. Girls hated me. Looked at me like I was out to steal something from them. Kailey, god to have a sister was a dream come true. And her momma was amazing, treated me like gold. But she died and Kailey sold my virginity for a place to stay when she got us kicked out of Aunt Francie’s. I tried hard to be a good sister, to be the kind of sister I wished I had, but I lost her. And as bad as it is for her, I feel terrible because I also know that she can’t drag me down anymore. If she were still around, I know she’d fuck things up with you. She’d be so jealous I’ve got you that she’d sabotage it all. And I’m afraid I wouldn’t stop her. God, this is such verbal diarrhea. I shouldn’t have drunk so much tonight.”
“Me either. But like you said, maybe this is all for a reason.”
“Yeah. I’ve never had anybody who really loved me other than Kailey’s mom. Though, mostly, I think she felt sorry for me.”
“I love you,” I told her.
She looked into my eyes with shock.
“I love you,” she croaked and sobbed. “I love you so much it terrifies me.”
I wrapped her up tight in my arms. “Stop bein’ scared. Stop holding back. I want all of you. I’m not goin’ anywhere. You’re mine. I’m yours. Never thought I’d want this again after Chelsea fucked me over. I know you won’t fuck me over. I know you’re the one for me, baby.”
“Oh Jesse. Just remember… you asked for it.”
“I’ll remember. If this doesn’t work, which I think it will if you work at it, if we both do, but if it doesn’t, that doesn’t mean there’s nobody out there to love you or that’d miss you if you were gone. You’ve got a lot to give. You’ve just had the wrong people around you.”
“I know it. I wanted to find good people. And I could’ve if I’d met you years ago instead of Skip.”
“Fuckin’ Skippy,” I grumbled.
“Forget about him.”
“Can you forget about him?” I asked.
“Tryin’.”
I looked at her with question.
She shook her head. “Not holdin’ onto any sort of happy feelings about him, Jesse, it’s all regret. Anger. Shit, I don’t want to talk about him. Can we please not talk about him? I’m liable to go down a road that’ll hurt even more than this already hurts.”
“Yeah,” I muttered.
“What’s the story with Chelsea?” she asked.
