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I kept my eyes on Pepp. Up until I felt William’s finger on my chin. He slowly turned my face to his. When had he gotten so close? We were basically standing on top of each other. He stared into my eyes for a long moment. Why was I so afraid?
‘You left,’ he said at the end.
‘You didn’t come,’ I replied, in a surprisingly steady voice.
‘Did you wait for me at all?’
‘I called,’ I said softly. ‘More than a few times. I don’t know what else I could’ve done. I wanted to stay, but I wasn’t sure…’
‘You could’ve waited for me. Just a little more.’
‘I got scared that it’d end up like the first time I waited for you.’ I hadn’t even admitted that to myself for the first few days.
He smiled and let go of my chin. ‘You’re right. I can’t argue with that.’
He pushed his hands into his pants again and just waited next to me, both of us watching Pepp run around and come back to me and then run back out again.
A few people walked in and Pepp rushed to greet the newcomers. In just a few seconds it was a pup party.
We watched as he played with the other dogs and timidly said hi to their owners.
We watched as Pepp peed.
‘I’d like to go back home,’ I said quietly, and I realized there was something in my voice. A little catch. A little something broken. He’d said he wanted to talk, but he wasn’t saying anything, and I’d rather go and hide back at Valerie’s place and hug Pepp. So he hadn’t come to be with me. He’d come to say goodbye. My heart broke.
He nodded and we walked home.
When we made it there, I unlocked the door, opened it. Then I let the good boy rush inside to discover the new place. I stepped in after him and turned back to William. I was thinking I should probably thank him for bringing Pepp to me and just saying goodbye before he could tell me something that would upset me, but he spoke first.
‘Can I come in?’
I hesitated, and he noticed it.
‘Charlie. We need to talk, and I wasn’t going to do it with strangers and dogs running around us. Let me come in. If you don’t like what you’re hearing you can send me away. You hold all the cards here, not me.’
That raised my hackles. ‘I’m not playing a game, William. I never was.’
He pressed his mouth closed, the muscle in his jaw ticking. Then he walked in without waiting for an invitation. When his fingers brushed mine on the doorframe, I pulled my hand back and moved away a few steps, fighting with my body over the tingling sensation his touch had caused. He closed the door and took off his shoes.
I left him alone to go and find Pepp and remember how to breathe. He was walking in circles in the kitchen looking for something. I ignored William’s presence as much as I could and went to give my baby some water, which he finished in a second, so I filled it up again. A few moments, a few kisses and another big hug later, he was in the living room already up on Valerie’s light grey couch. I winced, thinking how I’d explain the big dog in her house when she came back on Monday. The plan had been me moving out to an Airbnb until I found myself a place and stayed there with Pepp, but I’d thought I’d have at least a few more days to find a place.
I was standing just inside the living room when I felt William coming up behind me.
My nerves were getting to me by having him this close. My heart a jumbled mess inside my chest.
‘You’re going to avoid looking at me the entire time?’ he asked quietly.
Pepp closed his eyes, leaving me alone with William.
I tried my best to steady myself, but I hadn’t quite managed it when I finally turned to face William. His eyes travelled every inch of my face as my heartbeat picked up speed. I wanted to cry because not being able to hug him was killing me.
‘I missed you,’ he said, his eyes trying to catch mine. Not sure what to do with my hands as I clutched one of my elbows to myself. ‘Talk to me, please. I’m not used to having you so quiet and it’s starting to scare me.’
‘Why?’ I closed my eyes and took a breath through my nose as I opened them again. ‘Never mind. It’s okay, William. You don’t have to explain anything to me. I understand. We don’t even have to do this. Thank you for bringing Pepp, I really appreciate it, but you can leave if you want to. No explanation necessary.’
