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He tilted his head and watched me. I fidgeted in place under his scrutiny. Wanting him to leave almost as much as I wanted him to stay and kiss me and never let go.
As if he had heard my thoughts, he took two steps towards me, standing right in my face.
‘Look at me,’ he murmured. ‘Charlie, look at me.’
I looked up and stared into his eyes.
‘Do you see someone who wants to leave?’
I didn’t know. And how should I even know?
He sighed, his body deflating a little. ‘I still think of you a hundred times a day, Charlie. Do you remember what you told me once?’
My eyes on him, I waited.
‘You said, I want to find someone who is afraid of losing me. That’s me Charlie. I am afraid of losing you right now.’ He smiled, a small one that didn’t reach his eyes. He looked away. And that’s when I realized that William Carter was actually nervous. ‘I was afraid of losing you when I stood in front of your door and rang your doorbell for several minutes that morning you left to come here, hoping that you were just sleeping a little too hard. Or maybe that you were making me wait on purpose. Then worried, I went to the office, hoping to see you there, but somehow I knew I wouldn’t find you there either. On my way over in the cab, I just knew I wouldn’t see you, and it scared the shit out of me that what happened to you six years ago was happening to me this time around.’ He paused, licked his lips, eyes searching mine for something. ‘So, for what it’s worth, Charlie, I’m afraid of losing you. That’s not something I want. I hope you know that.’
My lips parted, but no sound came forth. I was surprised that he remembered my words.
After a moment passed, I heard myself ask, ‘Why didn’t you call me back, William?’
He took another step towards me, and it felt like he was going to reach for me, but decided against it at the last minute. I stood unmoving.
‘Can I tell you first what happened after I left the office?’
I nodded.
‘I’m assuming you saw my ex?’
I nodded again.
‘She’s pregnant.’
‘I saw.’
‘Yeah? Well it shocked the hell out of me.’
He looked away, and I built up the courage to ask what had been on my mind on and off.
‘Is it yours then?’
His head snapped back to me, his brows furrowing. ‘What?’
‘She is pregnant and mayb—’
‘No. No, Charlie. No. Is that what you thought?’
‘I didn’t know what to think. You left without saying anything.’
‘It’s not mine. It couldn’t be mine. We weren’t… for a long while… Doesn’t matter. Even when I saw her, I didn’t think it was mine.’ I moved my gaze away and he reached for my chin, pulling me back to look at him again. Then he let me go, and I felt his loss. ‘She is pregnant with her last boyfriend. She was seeing him when we were finalizing our divorce I think. I have no idea. She wanted to talk to me to ask if I’d like to consider starting things back up again. Seeing as I wanted a baby with her, now that she is pregnant she apparently thought maybe I’d like another shot. I told you she was against kids during our marriage and that was one of the biggest reasons we broke up, plus the fact that I couldn’t trust her, you remember?’
I dipped my chin.
‘She thought now that she is pregnant we could try again. Apparently she broke up with the baby’s dad. What do you think I told her?’
‘No?’ Hope uncurled inside my tattered heart.
The edges of his lips turned up. ‘Yeah. I told her no. And that I was seeing somebody. But no, in any case. She was never the one for me. She knows this too, but I’d never seen her as emotional before. I think she is scared to do this alone, but she is afraid to say it out loud. She just saw me as an escape to not to deal with her problems on her own. I got up to leave when I realized the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, she started to get agitated and then all of a sudden she was getting cramps.’
I listened silently, taking his words in.
‘I had to take her to a hospital and because she has no one in New York I had to stay with her till the morning until one of her friends in Portland could make it to the hospital.’
‘She’s okay? The baby too?’
‘They’re fine. Doctors thought it was stress. They explained other stuff, but I wasn’t following. She is gonna have to take it easy the next few weeks.’
‘You left her there?’
‘We don’t have anything to say to each other. I’m not the one who will be there for her anymore. I did what I could, the rest is not on me. I have someone else I’d like to be there for.’
