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The manager of the exhibition tour was not too happy when I said I was cutting out a week early but tough shit. When I heard that Cecile had stopped eating, I was finished. If my reputation takes a hit then so be it.
West Emerald is unchanged; a lush, green oasis even in the mildly cool temps of January. Tess is on my mind as I pilot my wheezing car through the streets of my hometown but this is nothing new. Anytime I wasn’t in the ring I was thinking about her. Missing her.
Every single day I’ve been banging my head against a wall over how I left things.
I’ve also been trying to come up with a strategy how to fix it once I returned.
Now I’ve returned and I’m still at a loss over what to do next.
Rolling to a stop in front of her house, I feel my pulse quicken as I think about how close she might be. The asinine political posters have all been taken off the lawn now that Ballerini has won his prize. The only oddity is that the ivy crawling all over the house walls looks more blighted than it did when I left.
Naturally, I could just walk up there and ring the doorbell. Or I could use my phone like any reasonable person and let her know that I’m back.
I know I’m bad at this.
Likereally fuckingbad.
This is why I’ve never had a real relationship, never even tried.
Tess makes me want to try.
No, it’s more than that.
I would light the world on fire to romance the hell out of that girl. And I would enjoy every second.
Some harsh words were spoken the night of the election. Still, I’m not sorry for what I said about her dad. He uses her, manipulates her, and steals her time and energy. He’s a shitty man and a worse father.
But I do regret what I said to her at the end.
“Just who the hell says I want to live a long time?”
And I regret walking out after escalating the argument into something ugly.
There was a whole lot of time for me to think while on my own in Vegas. And every time I reached the same conclusion.
No fucking way am I giving her up.
Tess has known me forever and she’s seen the worst side of me. The selfish, insensitive asshole. Yeah, she knows him well.
But I’ve only given her short glimpses into the parts that hardly anyone else sees. Which is funny because I’ve accused her of hiding her real self. Turns out I’m a fucking hypocrite because I do the same.
For most of my life I’ve caged myself behind an impenetrable wall of anger that was born the night I hid beneath a bed and listened to my father die. A monster of my own making, it’s both shield and barricade. When I’m with Tess, I can feel layers of that crust chipping away.
I was wrong when I told her I wouldn’t ever change.
I’ve already changed.Shehas changed me.
And I’ll do whatever it takes for another chance to be in her life.
With a glance at the time, I realize she’s probably all the way downtown at work right now. Our reunion will have to be postponed. Anyway, I have an important obligation to fulfill. Soon I’ll need to say goodbye to one of the few people on this earth I feel unconditional love and respect for.
We’ll have our time, Tessie.
Count on it.
Henley answers the door at my old house, which is awkward as fuck.
He gives me one of his nervous smiles as he steps back from the front door. “Good to have you back.”
