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In fact, he keeps shooting wounded glances across the table, like he’s terrified of what I’m thinking.
“Uncle Josh, you said I’d understand everything. I don’t understand.”
He sighs very deeply. “What I have to tell you will be hard to hear.”
“I’m listening.”
He taps his fingers and gazes at the other end of the table as if watching something only he can see.
“It was my first year at college. I came home for the holidays. Here, to this house. Stuart and Diana had been like parents to me ever since I lost my own. It was just the three of us at dinner on Christmas night. There was a lot of alcohol on the table and with Diana’s encouragement, I drank more than my fair share. Stuart was the one who made the request. Diana moved to sit beside me, holding my hand while he talked. They’d been trying for a child for years. After a series of medical tests, it was confirmed that the issue was with Stuart. He would only accept a child that was of his blood and he didn’t want anyone to know. He made it sound like such a small thing, such an inconsequential favor for the big brother who had taken care of me when I needed him, who would give me the world if he could. Now I could give something to him. I don’t remember if I actually said yes to their plan but I let Diana lead me to the bedroom. She touched me and asked if I wanted her.”
His voice cracks and his breath shudders. “And Ididwant her, god help me, I did. I know it sounds bad, but I was drunk and I’d never been intimate with a woman before. Diana was very beautiful. Anyway, the first time was over quickly. I remember looking up and seeing Stuart’s shadow right outside the door. When I left the room he hugged me, something he never did. He said he’d forever be grateful. Then he handed me another beer and sent me back to the bedroom. For the next two weeks I spent a lot of time in that room. Then I returned to school and we never talked about what happened. But a month later Stuart called to tell me he was going to be a father.”
I don’t know how to process this.
You live your life under the assumption that you came into the world one way.
And then you find out it was all a lie.
A lie to cover something twisted and sordid and sick.
I’ve already come to terms with the fact that my father wasn’t who I thought he was. But it’s a crushing blow to learn that my mother was also horrible. She seduced her teenage brother-in-law in order to use him as a sperm donor.
“Why should I believe you?” I challenge him. “If what you say is true then you’ve been lying to me for my whole life.”
He nods. “Fair question. I have lied to you. I’ll never lie to you again.”
Josh watches my face, eager to be told that all is well and I’ll just accept the truth with a smile.
“You could have shared this confession without cuffing me in the back of your police car and scaring the living shit out of me.”
His mouth droops. “I’m very sorry. I panicked. I’ve gone over it in my head a million times over the years, how I’d tell you. This was never what I imagined.”
What a comfort.
“So that’s the reason why you didn’t like my mother.”
“I tried not to hate her. How could I hate her when she helped me make you?” He gives me a loving smile. Then it falls away just as quickly. “But I couldn’t forgive her for trying to take you away.”
“What does that mean?”
He glares toward the stairwell, where the best family photos artfully decorate the wall. “Diana wasn’t real interested in being a good mother. She just wanted to party with her friends and spend Stuart’s money. She was also erratic, had mental health issues that she refused to get treated for. Then she decided she’d rather not be a wife either. She knew she could get a better divorce settlement by threatening to take full custody of you. She was going to use you as nothing but a pawn to squeeze Stuart for everything he had. When I confronted her and said I’d tell the court that you were mine, she laughed and said she’d claim that I assaulted her. She had all of us over a barrel and she knew it. She was going to take you and move to Denver, keep you away from me out of spite. I couldn’t let you grow up like that, with nobody around who loves you.”
His first revelation was bad. I have a sick feeling the next one will be worse.
“What did you do, Josh?”
“Nothing,” he says, then sniffs and smacks his hand to his head. “Dammit, I said I wouldn’t lie to you anymore.”
“Thendon’tlie to me.”
He blows out a breath. “The only way Stuart was going to get full custody was if Diana was unfit. She was already halfway there on her own, treating life like a constant party and forgetting to even change your diaper. But I couldn’t leave anything to chance where you were concerned. Diana, as always, had some party to go to. The sitter canceled and I was home from college for the summer. She knew I’d come running at the chance to spend time with you.” He breaks off to smile at the memory. “You’d recently started walking. Tessie, you were such a happy baby girl.”
I’d like to smack the creepy smile from his face but that’s not really an option.
“And then what?”
The smile disappears. “Diana had quite a pill collection, everything from opioids to Adderall, depending on the kind of mood enhancement she wanted. Stuart didn’t know but I found them. She was getting ready for her damn party when I showed up. You were crying in your crib. You diaper was soaked and your cheek was red, like you’d been slapped. Diana took a phone call and she was laughing. I just fucking snapped. I took a bunch of her damn pills, crushed them into powder and added them to the water bottle she left sitting on the counter. It had vodka in it already so I figured she wouldn’t notice the taste.”
