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I still have those bad dreams. I just don’t cry for him anymore when I do.
Just like I didn’t cry the day I tripped in the school parking lot and landed on a piece of broken glass. The glass went right into my knee and there was a lot of blood and teachers came running. I had to get six stitches at the hospital.
But I didn’t cry.
Nope, I had self-control. And my father didn’t get mad. He watched the doctor sew the stitches and said I should pay more attention to things like broken glass. I’ll do that.
Matilda cried at the funeral and her sisters had to hold her up. She’s not crying now while she sits at her table. She nods to people and accepts their kisses on her cheek when they come to her one by one. I still need to say the ‘Sorry for your loss’ words to her but I feel like I should fix my shoe first and I can’t fix my shoe until I find my father.
To get to the door, I need to walk right past the woman who sits alone in the corner of the room. She wears sunglasses and I’ve never seen her without them. Everyone says her eyes are broken and horrible. Her name is Cecile and she’s Matilda’s mother. Even though she can’t see behind those dark glasses I would swear she’s looking right at me. People try to talk to her but she tells them to go away.
Then I see him, my father. He’s outside on the patio talking to Uncle Josh and a couple of other men. No one pays any attention to me when I walk through the open door to the patio.
My father’s voice is always the loudest in any crowd. “Of course there was no open casket, given the circumstances.”
“No shit, the guy’s in fucking pieces.”
“Ethan was alive the whole time he was being carved up.”
“Never did find his hands, poor bastard.”
“You get dirty when you lie down with dogs. What the hell was he up to?”
Uncle Josh speaks for the first time and he sounds angry. “Quit spreading rumors. Ethan just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Wrong place my ass. It was personal as shit, what was done to him. Had to be a reason.”
“The kid was hiding under a bed. Heard everything. He’ll never be right after this.”
Uncle Josh looks at his shoes and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Fuck.”
This is terrible to hear. If I could erase these words from my ears then I would.
But now I think of the shiny wooden casket at the cemetery and how it’s filled with ‘fucking pieces’ that used to be a dad who played catch with his son on the front lawn and worked with my father. He watched football games at our house. He twisted balloons into animal shapes at neighborhood parties.
And I put my hand over my mouth because all of a sudden I feel like I did the time I had the flu and couldn’t get out of bed for five days.
“Hey there, Tessie Belle.” Uncle Josh crouches down in front of me.
He’s dressed in a suit today instead of his police uniform. He’s a lot younger than my father and he’s always making me laugh and bringing me presents. Last year he was supposed to marry a girl named Avery but then he said he didn’t want to marry her after all. Avery wanted to move far away and Uncle Josh says he’s never leaving us. I’m glad.
I take my hand away from my mouth and hope I don’t throw up on Uncle Josh’s suit. I’m about to tell him about my shoe because I know he’ll fix it for me but then my father says my name.
“Tess.” He’s using his angry voice. “Why haven’t you gone to find the boys like I told you to?”
Because the boys don’t like me and I don’t like them.
Uncle Josh frowns and looks up at my father. “Why don’t I take her home, Stu? She seems upset.”
My father sighs and bends down to my level. He’s getting mad. “Do youreallyneed to go home?”
There’s only one right answer and I give it. “No, Daddy. I’ll stay.”
He nods and even smiles a little. “Yes, you will. Remember who you are. A Ballerini. Act accordingly.” He points. “A few minutes ago I saw the boys run back there by the trees. You go and visit with Micah. You need to pay your respects to your friend.”
“All right.”
Even if Micah Lyonne isnotmy friend.
