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He exhales loudly. “Yeah, high school is hell. But I didn’t go around bragging, just so you know.”
“You didn’t need to. Half the student body was there. Everyone saw us go upstairs together and drew their own conclusions. But the choice was mine. I own it.”
He stretches his muscled arms out and lets them rest atop the hot tub rim. “Know what? I was happy when you asked me to the dance. Sure hated to turn you down.”
Yes, I’d asked him to the Emerald Ball. He’d already made plans to go with someone else. “It wasn’t a big deal.”
He’s quiet for a few seconds. “Then what? I did something to hurt you. What was it?”
He truly doesn’t know, doesn’t remember a thing.
I should have understood that back then. But I was a silly, infatuated teenager who’d just suffered an ego bruise and I was getting taunted everywhere I turned.
So I lashed out. Wouldn’t be the last time.
Burdening him with the whole story now feels wrong. Petty.
Conner is quick to paper over the silence with more apologies. “I’m sorry for being careless, for making you feel disrespected. And I liked you, Haven. I really did. I can’t think of another girl who was so intensely athletic, gorgeous to look at and could stand up to anyone’s bullshit. I hoped that once you cooled off we could figure things out but then after Lita…” He trails off, unsure of how to sum up what happened next.
Nothing about that bleak time requires words anyway. No matter what, the pain never fades. There is forever a sense that a fundamental piece of my soul has been cleaved away and it hovers, always, just out of reach.
Where Lita is.
There’s still a question I’d like to ask him, something I’ve been wondering about all this time. “Why didn’t you fuck me the night of the party?”
He’s startled for a second before roaring out a laugh. “Man, you’re direct.”
“I thought it was clear that I don’t have the patience for tact.”
“Damn clear.” He hesitates, stalling, trying to come up with an appropriate answer.
I shrug over things that really make no difference now. “I’m just curious, that’s all. We went upstairs, found an empty bedroom. We messed around. I gave you the green light. Plus you were…”
“Not all that particular about who rides my dick. Isn’t that what everyone used to say?”
“Isn’t that what they still say?”
He snorts. Tips his head back and considers the constellations. “I figured out pretty quickly you didn’t have a lot of experience. And despite being drunk and horny and seventeen, I wasn’t enough of an asshole to steal your virginity on our first hook up.”
“Would you have stolen it on our second hookup?”
“Probably.” He shifts his gaze and finds my eyes. “But we haven’t gotten there yet.”
My turn to snort. “You and your smug optimism. I hate to dash your hopes but I’m not exactly a virgin anymore. In fact, if virginity has a polar opposite then I’m claiming dibs on that label.”
He lets out a low whistle. “I can relate.”
“I’m sure. But even your vulgar standards might be shocked.”
He sits up, no doubt interested. “Go ahead. Try to shock me.”
I suck my lower lip and debate just how juvenile I want to be. “Let’s just say I can creatively handle more than one cock at a time.”
His nod is polite, like I’ve just shared the trivial news that I enjoy eating cake. “It’s good to have different talents.”
I chuckle over the word choice. “I bet you have sometalentsof your own.”
“Absolutely. But they are all retired now.”
