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I knew which way mine was going to steer me before I even opened my mouth. I wouldn’t beg even though she deserved it. She didn’t want me, not right now, not when she had someone more important to think about.
And I would live with that.
For now. I’d waited this long for Becs, I could wait a little longer.
But I would make damn sure she never knew how much it was killing me.
“Seems like you know what you want.” I pointed at the stairs, needing her to walk away. “You wanna go to bed, I’ll be on the couch until Bear gets back.”
She nodded, and I watched her walk to the stairs. My eyes never left her until she disappeared. I suddenly hated that I promised to stay here tonight. I wanted to drive. I needed to find that empty field, open the throttle, and release the adrenaline building in my system. But I couldn’t do any of that because I made a promise to her brother. To my president. To one of the only people who’d been willing to give me a chance. For that reason alone, I’d sit my ass on the couch and wait until he called.
Then I’d escape.
Chapter 9
Becs
Pulling the black tank top over my swollen belly, I turned to the side and sighed. This was the third top I put on tonight, but I couldn’t seem to find anything I felt good in. I had to wonder if this was how it would be until I finally had the baby.
Facing forward again, I took a deep breath before exhaling heavily and laying my hand on my belly. At eight months pregnant, it wouldn’t be long before I’d get to meet my little boy or girl. I’d decided not to find out what I was having, preferring instead to be surprised, but now I was starting to get impatient. Considering I didn’t realize I was pregnant until I was about five months along, I didn’t really have to wait long, but I wasn’t a patient person.
I moved slowly down the stairs, feeling a little sluggish today, but I think that was from being on my feet all day at work. Lately, I’d been feeling the effects of the third trimester, and everything I read in the book I bought about pregnancy seemed to be happening in these final months. I hadn’t been sick or overly tired the first six months. I hadn’t even had food aversions, but when the seventh month started, everything slammed into me.
Walking into the kitchen, I paused when I saw the man I loved sitting on the stool, staring at his phone. I allowed myself to watch him for a few seconds before I continued across the kitchen and pulled a glass from the cabinet, purposely keeping my back to him.
He thought I was flaky and immature.
Those words had haunted me for so long that I couldn’t shake them. Over the past few weeks, I had to keep reminding myself of that because no matter what had happened recently, nothing had really changed. The night Josie was taken to the hospital, he’d said everything I ever wanted to hear, but after I shut it down, he was back to being distant—although only emotionally, considering he’d become my transportation. Bear insisted I didn’t go anywhere alone so when he couldn’t be with me, Race was.
There weren’t many positive things that came from that awful night except that I made a new friend in Josie and the other was that I was seeing something in Bear when he was with Josie. She made him work for everything with her, and he needed that. Easy women didn’t interest my brother. He liked a challenge, and Josie had challenge written all over her.
Turning on the faucet, I filled my glass with water before taking a long drink, but swallowed hard when I heard his voice behind me.
“You about ready?”
Closing my eyes, I allowed the sadness to wash over me while my back was to him. I hated how we were. He’d given me the words I’d always wanted, but I didn’t know what was real and what was a reaction to the intense situations we’d been forced into. I couldn’t take the chance that I’d have him and lose him. I wouldn’t lose more than I already had.
But once I pushed him away, I lost him completely.
There were no more sweet words. No more moments with him pressed against me, whispering in my ear. We were distant, even more so than we once were, and our admissions were hanging over us as a constant reminder of what we both wanted at one time but wouldn’t allow ourselves.
Bear had no idea anything had happened or changed and had Race on babysitting duty more often than before. He picked me up every morning and took me to work, only to repeat the same in the evening to take me home. The only time we really spent together was in his truck and even that time was limited, considering the hair salon I worked at was less than ten minutes from Bear’s townhouse. He didn’t stay with me at night because he had overtime shifts at work, so if Bear couldn’t be home, he sent one of the other members to sit at the townhouse until he got there. Normally, I would’ve argued with him, and insisted I could take care of myself, but lately, I was too tired to fight.
Turning slowly, I cleared my expression, hoping like hell I was disguising how I really felt about him. “You’re going?”
His expression was blank when he replied. “No, Bear asked me to drop you off.”
That made sense. Race rarely went to the parties or picnics at the clubhouse. He did when he first joined, but over the years, it slowed, and now I couldn’t remember the last time I spent any real time with him at the clubhouse unless it had something to do with my protection. He was always there if Bear asked, but he only stayed long enough to do what was expected of him, and then he left. Now that I knew he lived a different kind of life before he moved to New Hope, I wondered if he was just keeping himself out of trouble. He had a look in his eye when he told me about prison that no one could mistake. He was never going back. That look made me want to ask him a million questions, but I’d stopped myself. It was obvious he wasn’t telling me because he wanted to talk to me. He was attempting to teach me a lesson he thought I needed.
And maybe I did.
But I sure as hell didn’t want to hear it from him.
Nodding, I finished the water in my glass and put it in the sink. Walking along the counter, I paused and laid my hand flat on the counter with my other pressed tight to the side of my belly.
“What’s wrong?” Race pushed the stool back and stood.
“Nothing,” I replied, but my voice was breathy. “He or she just decided to wake up and start kicking the hell out of me.”
