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“You did,” I answered honestly.
She closed her eyes briefly before meeting my stare again. “That makes me really happy.” She took a sip of her lemonade. “Do you see your brothers?”
“Last time I saw them was right before I left the Army. Matt was married with a couple of kids, treated his wife like shit.” She frowned, but I continued. “Met up with Caleb for a beer, but he was leaving town. Gave him my number but I haven’t heard from him. Didn’t think I would. And I haven’t seen Dad at all. Don’t plan to.” I studied her for a minute. “Have you?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I didn’t think your brothers would want to hear from me.” She smiled softly at me. “I did think about finding you at least a hundred times, but I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me. Wouldn’t want to dredge up the past.”
“I almost found you but didn’t for the same reason,” I admitted.
“I’m so glad you changed your mind.” She tilted her head to the side, and I knew she saw right through me. She was observant and always seemed to know when I was hiding something. “But why now?”
“Couple of weeks ago, a kid named Leo found me and said I was his father.”
“Are you?”
“We took a test, and I’m not, but his mom overdosed six months ago. He was pissed and thought I’d abandoned him all these years, found me and rammed my truck in an intersection out of anger.”
She lifted her eyebrows, but all I saw was concern in her expression. “Sounds like he’s missing his mama.”
“Yeah, he is. Offered him a place to stay and made plans to help him learn a trade. Get him set in the right direction, you know, and I realized that’s exactly what you did.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I never understood why you stayed. Why you endured that hell and all those beatings until I saw the sadness in that kid’s eyes, and I just couldn’t leave him. Couldn’t walk away when I knew what his future looked like if I did. You did that for me. You gave me a future I wouldn’t have had.”
A tear escaped, and she wiped it away quickly. “I’m not sure about that. You would’ve done just fine on your own. You were too smart and had too big of a heart to get caught up in the violence and abuse. I always knew you’d find a way out and make something of yourself.” She sighed heavily. “I’m just so proud of you, Shawn.”
Warmth filled me, and I hadn’t expected that, but knowing this woman who gave up her own safety to stay for me and was proud of the man I’d become meant more to me than I thought it would.
“Most people call me by the nickname I earned in the Army.”
“What’s that?”
“Tank.”
She laughed. “If it’s all the same to you, I think I’d like to call you Shawn.”
I jerked up my chin. “Thank you.”
She tilted her head. “For calling you Shawn?”
“For being a mom.” Her smile dropped, and once again, her eyes filled with tears. “For being my mom. I’m sorry it took me this long to realize what that meant to me.”
This time, she didn’t stop the tears. She let them fall freely, and I reached across the table to wrap my hand around hers. We didn’t speak for a few minutes while she gathered herself.
“There hasn’t been anything I’ve loved more than being your mom.” She sniffed and reached in her purse before pulling out a tissue. With one hand, she wiped beneath her eyes. “No matter what happened to me in that house, I loved every second I watched you grow up.”
I watched her while she wiped her eyes, but I had so many questions. “Did you love him?”
“At first.” She sniffed again. “But never like I loved you boys.”
I dropped my head but then decided to admit my biggest fear. “I’m afraid I’ll be like him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t have relationships with women because I’m afraid that when the honeymoon shit wears off, I could become him when I’m angry.”
“Honey.” She squeezed my hand. “You are not your father.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I know you. But even if I didn’t, look at what you’re doing for Leo. Your father wouldn’t have done that. It’s not in his nature. But it’s in yours and your heart won’t allow you to be abusive.” She smiled softly. “I have a feeling there’s a woman in your life who’s making you want that relationship you’ve been avoiding.”
