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Fear.
Fear of disappointing everyone, including myself. Fear of loving something and losing it.
But I didn’t want to say that out loud. I felt like a failure telling a man who had served in the military that I was afraid. He wasn’t afraid of anything. He just lived his life on his terms without any concern for tomorrow. I didn’t know how to do that, so I decided to give him a little insight, but I still kept a lot to myself.
“I might go back to school.”
“Yeah?” he replied. “For what?”
“Maybe design. I’m not as good as Bree since I’ve never been trained. I don’t know, though. I’m still considering my options.”
He didn’t say more. He just watched as my anxiety got the better of me. I couldn’t do it. I thought I could, but the longer I talked to him, the more I knew I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes when I admitted I was giving in to the pressures of my family. I owed him an explanation and a thank-you for all he did. He encouraged me and introduced me to the girls, but all it did was prove that I was in way over my head. I left Hank’s that night full of hope and excitement but woke up the following morning facing my own reality. Everything is easier when surrounded by supportive people, but I’d only just met these girls. I didn’t know them. I couldn’t trust that I’d have them in my life. It was as if the decision I was struggling with had been made for me, but I didn’t want to be hasty, so I took the rest of the week to think about it.
Now I was standing here, wanting to explain it all to the person who put aside time to help me.
And I couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t find the words. Telling him face-to-face was the right thing to do, but I couldn’t get the words out. I would just text him when I got home and explain everything.
I gestured toward my car. “I think I’m going to go. I have a lot to do.”
“Like what?”
“Umm…” I hadn’t expected him to ask, but I should have. Tank didn’t shy away from confrontation.
“What do you have to do that’s so important on a Friday night, Jane?”
He looked angry or annoyed, I couldn’t tell, so I decided to be honest. At least about this. “Nothing, actually, but you’re working, and I’m obviously bothering you.”
“Did I say you were bothering me?”
“No, but…”
“Then you’re not.” He moved until he stood right in front of me, but he didn’t touch me. “Why don’t you stick around? We’re having a bonfire tonight. You can tell me what you and the girls talked about and why you’re not considering Bree’s job offer.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t considering it.” I defended myself, but we both knew I was lying. I had a feeling he knew I was lying about all of it.
“You didn’t have to.” Reaching out, he laid his hand against my hip. Warmth immediately flooded me, just being this close and having him touch me softly. “Stay. Talk to me.”
I wanted that. Spending more time with him sounded perfect, but it only delayed the inevitable and invited him to talk me out of my decision.
“I’ll just text you later.”
“I don’t want you to text me later. I want you to talk to me right now.”
I swallowed hard. “This is a bad time.”
“For who?”
For me, I wanted to shout, but I didn’t. Instead, I tried to find another excuse. “You have a lot to get done, and I need to get back.”
“Jane.”
I rubbed my hand over my forehead. “It’s a two-hour drive.”
“Jane,” he repeated, his tone sharper.
“I’m getting married,” I blurted out.
