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Pulling in a deep, shaky breath, I whisper, “Promise?”
“I promise, my sweet, lovely boy. I would never break a promise to you.”
We sit in the bath until it starts to get cold, then Quin stands me up so he can wash the rest of my body. After he’s finished with me, he washes up quickly and gets me out of the tub. Quin is gentle with me as he dries me off, not like he thinks I’m going to break, but like he wants to savor touching me as much as possible.
Not bothering with clothes, I climb into bed naked as Quin orders us some room service. I’m shocked to see we were only gone for about three hours. It seemed like we were gone half the night, days, a whole lifetime. The kitchen isn’t closed yet, so Quin is able to get us some burgers and fries and he even gets me a vanilla milkshake. “The sugar will help,” he tells me when I give him a confused look.
While we wait for room service, we spend the time in bed, my head on Quin’s lap while he runs his fingers through my hair. His strong, sure fingers massaging my scalp almost has me falling asleep again. The knock at the door makes me want to throw something at the poor server that was unlucky enough to interrupt my quiet moment with Quin.
But I am hungry, so with a grunt of displeasure, I sit up and cover myself while Quin gets our food. We both make quick work of our dinner, Quin stealing a few of my fries and I narrow my eyes at him, making him promise a spanking if I keep it up.
As usual, my Daddy is right. After drinking the milkshake, I do feel better, less bogged down by what I’m supposed to feel and just feeling. And what I feel right now is tired and needy. I want to feel Quin’s arms around me while I fall asleep listening to the strong thump of his heart. His warm body wrapped around mine will be the best therapy right now and exactly what I need if my head gets scrambled.
When we’re in bed and comfortable, Quin’s big, warm body tucked behind me, a few of his locs over his shoulder and tickling my back, I feel all my muscles relax, down to my toes. “Get some rest, baby. I’ll keep you safe.”
Listening to him, I close my eyes and sleep.
When I wake up, I feel … fine. Not sad or conflicted or fucked up in any way. I feel like I would have any other day before I was almost kidnapped and while I was with Quin in the beginning. I feel like I didn’t set fire to a house with a man’s dead body inside. Digging deep inside myself, I search for any feelings of discontent or anger or upset and I feel nothing.
Sliding from under Quin’s arm, I walk over to our suitcase and slide on a pair of sweatpants. Then I walk over to the window and look down at the street below.
I should feel something, right? Before meeting Andler and his ilk, I didn’t imagine I’d ever be involved with abducting or killing someone. I never expected I’d watch a man get shot and the beginning of his slow death. I didn’t think I’d ever set a shack on fire with the body of a demon inside. While I wouldn’t say I’m a pacifist—since I’d gotten fired for almost decking a guy in the face—I never would have imagined I’d be involved in a murder. But here I am, on the other side of one murder and on my way to watch another.
Did Andler and Tom fuck me up? Did they change who I am as a person? Did they make me evil like them? Is it evil to kill someone who hurts people for their own gain? After this is all over, will I ever be the same?
Tears flow down my face as I try to answer those questions. I want to know that I’ll be okay, that I’ll be the same person I used to be. That I value life for people that deserve it and I won’t be a person that, once I’ve had a taste of death and destruction, I’ll want more. I can’t be that person. Iwon’t.
Strong arms wrap around me and I jolt until I realize it’s Quin and I’m immediately put at ease. “Tell me what’s wrong, Red.”
Letting out a shaky breath, I tell Quin about my thoughts, hoping he can help me make sense of them. Turning me around, Quin wipes my tears, kissing me gently when my face is clear. “They did change you, Red,” he tells me gently and I let out a small, strangled sob, but he’s not done. “What happened to you was awful and it would change anybody, but, baby, they didn’t make you evil. You’re not like them. You will never relish killing. If we’re being technical,youdidn’t kill anybody. Don’t put that burden on yourself. You will always be changed, but not in a way that will make you a bad person. You’re a fighter. You will always be a fighter. For you and people you don’t even know. You’re not broken, baby. Don’t try to force yourself to feel anything. You don’t have to feel bad about what happened.”
Sighing loudly, I wipe the tears from my face and bury it in Quin’s chest. He wraps me up, feeling warm and solid andgood. He feels like mine. As he said all those weeks ago, we fit. I feel like we fit now more than I ever have.
Pulling back, I look up at him and mutter, “Take me to bed, Daddy. Please.”
Smiling down at me, Quin leans down and gives me a soft kiss that makes me feel warm inside. “Let me hold you, baby boy. We can talk and try to sort out your feelings. How does that sound?”
Fucking amazing. It’s just like Quin to know what I need. Even though I would rather he sort my feelings by burying his dick inside me, this is better. What I need. What will make me better, I think.
“Sounds good.” We crawl back into bed and Quin pulls me on top of him. His locs tickle my nose, but when he tries to move them, I shake my head. I like the tickle. “So what do I do? Do I pretend nothing is wrong?”
“Do you feel a certain way or do you think youshouldfeel a certain way?”
“I think I should,” I murmur.
Wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace, Quin kisses my forehead and all over my face. “Oh, sweet boy. You don’t have to force yourself to feel bad. I’m not saying you might not feel bad later, but right now, if it’s not there, don’t make it a thing.”
“But,” I sit up so I can look at him. “We killed a man, Quin.”
“No,Ikilled a man. A man that deserved to die. You have nothing to feel bad about.”
That’s true. I still feel responsible because I told Quin about it, but I think if I tell myself that little loophole of not actually killing him, I won’t beat myself up so much. Then I feel like shit for wanting to put it all on Quin. “You can’t shoulder that, Daddy. I can’t let you feel guilty on your own.”
Quin shrugs. “I don’t feel guilty at all. I did what needed to be done so you would feel safe. I’ll never feel guilty about that. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you had me avenge you.”
As usual, Daddy knows best. Even though his words are hard to hear—since regardless of what he says, I did kill someone—he’s right. If Thomas was someone that wasn’t a danger to so many people, I never would have asked Quin to kill him. Something like tension leaves my shoulders and I nod, blinking back tears. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“I’m always here for you, baby. Always. I’ll tell you every time you feel guilty that what you did was necessary, for you and for the people whose lives Thomas ruined. He was not a good man and deserves to dance with the devil as he is now.”
