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I shake my head. “No—”
“Yes. The way I reacted on Friday, that’s my baggage.” He sighs and swallows hard. “Sonya died of glioblastoma. A brain tumor. They found it when she was pregnant with Tabby. She didn’t want to do any treatment, not until after Tabby was born, afraid of how it might affect her. There’s research about the negative effects of chemotherapy and radiation on babies in utero and….” His voice trails off. “Well, we disagreed on how her treatment should have proceeded.”
He runs a hand over his face. “Do you know how hard it is to be angry with someone you love so much, to feel like they’re not taking care of themselves? I wanted to respect her wishes, but I disagreed with her choices and there was nothing I could do about it. I loved that she was protecting Tabby. But I hated she wasn’t choosing herself. I was so afraid of losing her, of losing Tabby. It paralyzed me.” He exhales. “It was a shit situation, and I felt helpless. Worse than helpless. I felt useless.” He shrugs. “That’s the first time I think I’ve ever said any of that.”
My throat is tight with tears. Duke is so protective and stoic. I can’t imagine how much it must have broken him to lose her like that. For the first time, I glimpse how much he must care about me, to tell me these things.
“When you told me about the transplant, I ended up back in that place, in those days. It wasn’t fair, and you’re completely right. You need to do what you feel is right, and helping Lily is so brave and strong… like you.”
My throat tightens, and I squeeze his hand. “I’m going to be okay,” I say because I can’t stand the panic I see in his eyes. “They told me everything will be okay.”
He nods. “I know they did. I’m sure they’re right.” He says the words, but I can tell he doesn’t believe them. I tilt my head, understanding him a little better. After all, it’s one thing to know logically, but sometimes emotions aren’t logical. “What I’m trying to tell you, all of this… I want to be with you. I love you, June. And loving someone means loving them through hard times and choices, even if you’re afraid.”
If my heart hurt before, his words tighten my chest further, making it difficult to breathe. Every part of me wants to believe him, to lean forward into his arms. I want to tell him I love him, too, because I’m sure that I do. But none of that changes anything between us.
“Duke,” I start. “Thank you. I appreciate you saying all that. I do. But I don’t think you were wrong before. How can you be with someone who can’t tell you important things?”
Duke’s eyebrows drop. “Can you explain to me how you’re getting where you are right now, after everything I just said?”
“I mean, I didn’t tell you important stuff. I suck at this, and I’m going to keep screwing up.” I tuck one hand on my hip and press the other against my forehead. “It’s clear you’ve been through some hard things. You’ve lost so much already, you and Tabby. And I’m just saying that I’m not a good bet. I mean, I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I’m twenty-four, and this is the closest I’ve come to one. My mom… well, let’s just say she wasn’t a great role model. And you have that precious girl.” I point upstairs. “I don’t know how to do this.”
“June. Stop.” He reaches for me, and I step back.
“How will you ever know that stuff in that article isn’t true?” I ask, and I hate how broken my voice sounds.
“Because I know you. And we can figure the rest of this out together. I know we can.”
“And I don’t know that.” I turn from him, pressing my fingers into my temple. It’s so tempting, what he’s offering. But that article and the way he responded just showed me how much I have to lose if I put faith in anyone but myself. “You have practice. You should go.”
“June, please.” It’s a plea, and I swear, it physically hurts me. “Don’t do this.”
When I face him, I fold my arms around my waist, as if I can somehow shield myself from the pain inside me. “I’ll see you later, Duke.”
He stands, his hands at his side, searching my face. As I watch, he clenches his fists and then loosens them slowly. Finally, he lets out an unsteady breath and shakes his head. “If that’s what you want.” He moves toward the door and picks up his workout bag. “But I never pictured you for a quitter.”
He slings the bag over his shoulder and leaves. The door into the garage closes softly behind him.
Duke
Thenextthreedaysare hellish. Instead of texting me, June goes directly to Nancy to coordinate childcare coverage for Tabby. It’s more efficient, but it takes away any reason for me to communicate with June. I only get to see her a few times in passing, and all those interactions are courteous and professional. I hate them.
Nancy’s car is in the driveway when I return home on Thursday night. As I step through the door from the garage, something smells delicious. Tabby comes running from the living room, cradling a doll in her arms. I swing her up into a hug, and she tells me about the game she’s playing. I kiss her cheek, and I tell her to go wash up before dinner.
After she scurries off, I lift my eyebrows at Nancy, who’s sitting at the island, reading a book. “I assume June left dinner?”
Nancy points to the slow cooker. “Some Tuscan dish.”
I glance in. Seems like something with tomatoes and chicken. It smells even better up close. I sigh.
“What’s going on with you two, anyway?” Nancy closes her book and props her elbow on the island.
“What do you mean?” I ask, buying for time.
“She texts me to schedule. She doesn’t live here anymore.” Her eyebrows lift. “She looks about as miserable and tired as you do. Something is going on.”
I can’t stop thinking about the uncertainty in June’s eyes on Monday morning when we last talked about our relationship. It was as if an invisible barrier had gone up between us. I understand she is afraid, and the way I behaved last week about the article and her donation to Lily didn’t help. But nothing has gotten easier this week. I miss her, and I don’t know how to get through to her.
I try to think of something to say. “It’s complicated.”
