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Maybe I’d pushed too soon to have the kind of day with her that we’d had today, and now she’d taken a step that she hadn’t really been prepared to take just yet.
Regardless of how difficult or awkward this conversation was going to be, I couldn’t continue to stand where I was and not go to her. I had no idea how to approach the subject, but I figured it was best to put her mind at ease. It was clear she was already struggling, and I didn’t want her worried about how she was going to break the news to me about what she needed to have happen next.
So, I sat down beside her, placed my hand on the middle of her back, and said, “We don’t have to do it again.”
God, it nearly killed me to say that.
Of all of the thoughts I’d had about how I’d hoped things would go when I returned from disposing the condom, one at the top of that list would have been the two of us quickly diving in for another round.
I hadn’t even come close to getting my fill of her yet.
But no matter how much I wanted that, I wouldn’t want it at her expense. So, I hated having to say what I did, but I meant every word of it.
Ellery pointed her tear-stained cheeks in my direction, and there was a bit of a horrified look on her face.
Seeing it, I thought it was best to explain my position. “Listen, I understand that this was a big step, and I realize you’re probably not okay with it happening while you’re technically still married. It’s okay if you want to put the brakes on for just a bit until you get things sorted.”
“Is that what you want?” she asked, her voice sounding small and uncertain.
“Princess, I want whatever is going to make you happy. I want to know that I won’t leave the room after having something like we just did, only to come back and find you in tears,” I replied.
There was a long stretch of silence. In that time, I attempted to understand why Ellery cared to ask what I wanted in this situation. If she was uncomfortable with it, that was all that mattered.
Sadly, I got no answers before she spoke again.
“You’re wrong, Kane,” she rasped.
“What?”
Her eyes roamed over my face for what felt like hours, even if I knew it was only a matter of seconds. Then she said, “This was a big step for me, but not for the reasons that you’re thinking.”
I had not a single clue what she was referring to. If this wasn’t about what I believed it was about, I couldn’t imagine what had her so upset. “I don’t understand.”
Something sweet mixed with a touch of vulnerability washed over her. Ellery’s head dropped to one side as she assessed me, and it was then that she completely rocked my world.
“What we just had was, by far, the most beautiful experience of my entire life,” she started. “It was the first time I’ve ever had sex on my terms and with someone I have feelings for. It was perfect.”
Her words had blindsided me. I was left feeling completely stunned.
She was a virgin, and she never said a word about it. Now, it made sense. She was crying because I’d hurt her. I didn’t know where to start. “What? Ellery, I don’t… what do you mean this was the first time? Why wouldn’t you tell me that from the start?”
I’d felt myself getting worked up, and my thoughts were racing. How was she a virgin? She’d been married. As I attempted to pull at the blanket covering her body, so that I could check on her, I felt her hand curl around my forearm, and I froze.
“It wasn’t my first time ever having sex, Kane. But it was my first time having it happen because I wanted it to happen.”
No.
No, that couldn’t be the truth.
That was far worse than I had been thinking.
She couldn’t be saying what I thought she was saying. Not her. Not my girl.
“Princess, are you telling me that…” I trailed off. I couldn’t even bring myself to say the words. It didn’t make any sense.
Nodding slowly, she bit her lip. “I had sex with my husband because it was expected of me as his wife. I never loved him, but I had no choice when it came to him getting what he wanted.”
“Jesus, fuck,” I clipped as I raked my hand through my hair, dropped my head forward, and pressed my elbows into my thighs.
