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“I can’t do this, Leo,” I told him, my voice shaky.
Shit.
Shit, I was on the verge of losing it.
“Do what?”
My bottom lip trembled, evidence that it was going to happen. Somehow, I didn’t heed that warning. Instead, I replied, “This. I can’t do it. I can’t put myself in a place again where I’m so desperate that I have no choice in what happens, only for one of two things to happen. Either it gets thrown in my face or, from my experience, it all gets taken away.”
“What’s getting taken away from you?” he pressed.
“Nothing, anymore. I won’t allow it to happen. First it was my mother, then it was Archie and Garrett, then it was Saul. It appears I’ve lost Archie for a second time. And now I’ve lost you. I’m not doing it, Leo. I’m not. I can’t—”
I hadn’t realized that the tears had started falling and that my breathing had changed completely. My body gave up, grief consumed me, and I broke down.
In the next instant, my body was wracked by sobs, but Leo’s arms came around me and held me close to him.
I didn’t want to give in.
I didn’t want to succumb.
But it was too much. I’d just come to the awful realization that I’d never have anyone to hold me the way Leo was holding me. In fact, as time went on, I kept getting the same stupid lesson over and over again.
So, I wanted just one more chance. One more opportunity to be held.
And it felt good.
It felt safe.
Maybe that was just it, though. Maybe I just needed to accept Leo’s embrace for what it was. He was a strong, protective guy. It was no surprise he could offer a hug that felt like he was capable of shielding me from all of the hurt that existed in the world, even if my mind knew that he’d never actually want to do that, even if he’d been one to inflict the worst of it.
Was it so wrong to want that comfort?
Was it stupid to give in and allow myself to have it, knowing it was just temporary? Probably. There was no question this was going to cost me a lot. But the truth was that I couldn’t do it on my own any longer.
Leo might have fooled me once, and he certainly wasn’t the wisest choice for my heart, but the bottom line was that I’d told him to go, and he was still standing here.
Where I came from, that meant something.
EIGHTEEN
Hanna
“Can we please talk?”
I’d had a moment of weakness. As frustrated as I was by it, I should have expected it.
For far too long, I’d been marching by myself, and the emotions I’d been feeling about everything—the questioning at the police station, Archie, Xavier, and the disappointment over Leo—made it impossible not to crumble.
But it was just a momentary lapse in judgement. A hiccup on what was likely to be a long road to recovery.
Wasn’t that normal?
Everyone hit bumps along the way, and that was the case with me. I’d simply stumbled.
I’d been picking myself up off the ground ever since Jimmy came into my mom’s life, so this was no different. I was going to dust myself off and get through this, too.
I already knew it wouldn’t be easy; it never was. But in the end, I will have learned a lesson.
