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And when I stepped into the room and saw him lying there in the bed connected to a bunch of machines and completely lifeless, I nearly crumbled to the ground. I leaned back against the wall, my hand coming up to cover my mouth, as more tears rolled down my cheek.
Guilt didn’t even come close to describing how I felt.
This man.
This beautiful man was here, fighting for his life, and it was all my fault.
TWENTY
Hanna
Regret.
I’d done a lot of things in my life that I wasn’t proud of.
But there wasn’t anything I’d done that had me feeling the level of remorse that I felt now. I wasn’t sure there would ever be redemption for me.
As a teenager, I’d done so many of the things I’d done as a way to survive.
As an adult, I no longer had access to excuses. I knew better. I knew what I’d done was wrong the moment I allowed Leo to walk out my door days ago, when I essentially forced him out with my words.
I regret ever opening my heart up to you.
Those words assaulted me daily ever since he’d walked out, but now, it was worse. Each day, as I sat beside his hospital bed holding his hand, those words smacked me in the face over and over again.
If there was anyone who had a right to feel that way, it was him. And I knew it was a very real possibility that if and when he woke up from his coma, he might realize just how much regret he felt about ever opening his heart to me.
If that happened, I didn’t know how I’d ever forgive myself. I wouldn’t.
Because I would have ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me.
As much as I didn’t deserve him after the way that I’d treated him, I knew I was in store for a serious amount of groveling.
But I would do it, and I’d be happy about doing it, even if I knew he’d never forgive me. Leo deserved at least that much from me. He deserved to know just how sorry I was for what I’d done to him. To us.
As though I hadn’t already cried enough tears, more leaked from my eyes and onto my pillow.
It had been two days since Kane and Ellery picked me up and took me to the hospital.
Two days since I’d learned that Leo had suffered a fate that brought him so close to death.
While there had been improvements in that time, he still hadn’t woken up. And each day that I sat there with him, I kissed his knuckles, cried tears of sadness and regret, and prayed for a miracle to bring him back to me.
Even if he wouldn’t ever want me again, I needed him to stay alive. I needed the chance to tell him just how sorry I was.
I was getting the punishment I deserved.
Uncertainty about the future of a man who’d meant more to me than anyone else ever had, as his lifeless body—a body he’d worked so hard to take care of—lay in a hospital bed.
And every night as I left the hospital, I carried that uncertainty and fear all the way home with me. Would he succumb to his injuries in the middle of the night? Would I lose him all over again?
I hadn’t wanted to leave him at the hospital, but I wasn’t allowed to stay. Since I wasn’t family, I couldn’t stay past visiting hours. So, I had to leave and come home.
Having just opened my eyes, I wondered what time it was. Because the bright sun filtered into the room, making me think I’d slept in.
Technically, any sleep I’d gotten at this point could have been considered sleeping in. Sleepless nights had become the norm for me, but it appeared my body had finally taken over and fought what my mind had been forcing me to remember.
I had to get up.
