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His expression turned grave, and for a moment, I thought I saw hurt flash in his eyes. But as quickly as it was there, it was gone. “Okay. Okay, I’ll drive if that’s going to be better for you.”
Nodding, I replied, “Thank you.”
With that, Johnny and I swam over to our jet ski and got back on. And while I couldn’t say I thought it was a great idea to wrap myself around him again, for some reason, it felt much better than the alternative.
Johnny, for his part, seemed much more subdued during his second round in the driver’s seat. Though, he didn’t make it easy on me when he tried his best to be reassuring and reached back to give my leg gentle squeezes.
THIRTEEN
Johnny
This was just what I needed.
A break.
Finally.
Coming into this week, I’d felt such an odd sense of determination, but I’d finally reached my breaking point yesterday.
Up until Kiera and I went out jet skiing with our friends, I had been feeling rather confident about the progress I’d been making with her. Granted, I knew there was a bit of uneasiness on her part, but I expected it. I knew I was pushing her hard, testing the limits to see just how much I could get away with, but I didn’t have a lot of time left to make a lasting impression. Plus, in my defense, there were certain things that were non-negotiable, like her not eating enough food.
But yesterday, it all came to a grinding halt. I started to realize the toll my actions were taking on Kiera, and I felt awful about it. My intention had never been to make her upset or uncomfortable. At least, not to the point that she’d gotten to yesterday.
I could admit that I had been holding on to her in a way that was probably overkill for how fast she’d been driving initially. I couldn’t help myself. It was the first time I’d held her in an embrace in months. I’d missed it tremendously, and since I had an opportunity, I took advantage of it.
I just hadn’t realized the negative impact it was having on Kiera. I felt horrible for making her cry. Truly, I did.
But I wouldn’t lie and say I didn’t love the way she burrowed into me in the water, even if the words she’d said afterward nearly killed me.
I can’t have you holding me from behind like that.
I could remember a time when Kiera would have wanted nothing more than for me to hold her just like I had on that jet ski. And now, she couldn’t handle it.
Worse, maybe it wasn’t so much that she couldn’t handle it, but rather that she didn’t even want it.
The shock of hearing those words had pierced my heart like a knife, rendering me momentarily speechless, and it took me a moment to pull myself together to respond to her. It was possible she thought I wasn’t affected by what she’d said, but after we got back on the jet ski and started riding around again, it was all I could think about.
Had things really gotten so bad between us that Kiera couldn’t stomach the idea of me holding her? Obviously, I knew this marriage was over in her mind—she’d been the one who initiated the divorce—but it was crushing to realize that she was so far removed from the relationship.
How did I let it happen? How had we wound up here?
If all that had happened while we were out jet skiing with everyone hadn’t been enough to indicate to me that Kiera and I desperately needed a break from one another, what happened later that night after we returned to the villa would have.
Instead of planning a fancy dinner again, Zac and Talia had decided we should all just grab a quick dinner at one of the oceanfront restaurants that had a very casual and laidback vibe. So, the guys and I were wearing swim trunks and T-shirts while the women were in their bikinis and coverups.
We grabbed an early dinner together before deciding to call it a night. Since we’d all been spending just about every waking moment together, it was likely Zac, Talia, and even the rest of our friends just wanted a few hours to have some quality time alone together.
If Kiera and I weren’t on the brink of divorce, I knew I’d have been feeling the same way.
But things weren’t good at all between us, so returning to our villa meant that we were both in for a couple of hours of being locked up in our own separate bedrooms.
Admittedly, I think it was then that it started to hit me all over again. My wife and I were sleeping in separate bedrooms. We’d been doing it at home in Dogwood for the last six months, and now we were doing it while we were on a vacation, staying at a beautiful resort. It was all beyond depressing.
For the better part of the evening, I’d spent my time in the bedroom. I pulled out my laptop, took a look at some emails I’d received, and decided I didn’t have the energy or interest in responding to any of them. Since I’d already set up an out-of-office reply, there was nothing requiring me to respond to anyone right away anyway. But the bottom line was that even if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have been able to answer any of them.
My mind was so distracted by Kiera, our failed marriage, and the current state of our relationship with one another. If it was this bad between us, where Kiera couldn’t stand the thought of me touching her or holding her like I had been, I hated to think what was going to happen once the divorce was official.
Maybe, as much as I might have thought it was bad in the first few weeks after she’d told me she wanted a divorce, I hadn’t really taken the time to consider what that would look like. It hadn’t sunk in just how different things were going to be.
