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I glared at Sandy as she squeezed Andrew’s arm gently then nodded in my direction. Finally, it was just me and Andrew. He turned to me, his face unreadable. “So what’s this about me loving you?”
I gulped, palms sweating now that the moment was actually here. Echoes of panic and despair pulsed around me as I remembered the last time I confessed my love for him. I fought with it as I tore the words from my very soul, straightened my spine, and forced myself to look him in the eye.
“You heard me. You. Love me.”
“Of course I do,” he said easily. “We’re best friends.”
“No, Andrew, you’re in love with me. And you’re terrified of it.” I sighed, forcing my hands to my side instead of picking the skin around my nails or reaching for him. “I talked to Catalina. She told me.”
“That was a long time ago.” Andrew shifted and for once, his mask slipped. Terror, plain as day, was stamped on his face. “I’ve moved on.”
I squinted a little, eyebrows raised. “Have you, now?” I stepped closer. “So if I were to tell you that I’m in love with you, that wouldn’t mean anything to you?”
“Of course it means something to me,” he said. He shifted again as he looked away. “But it doesn’t mean I share those feelings.”
“You’re right,” I said as I stepped closer to him still. “It doesn’t mean that you share them just because you care. But I know you love me, so that’s irrelevant.” I stepped closer still, our bodies an inch away from each other. “What is it that you’re afraid of, Andrew? Why are you afraid to go all in with me?”
Despite his apparent calmness, his hands shook by his sides. I could see his pulse, strong and fast, throbbing at his neck. Heat was coming off him in waves though I couldn’t be sure what emotion fueled it. It was just as likely that he was embarrassed as it was that he loved me. Doubt slashed at me but I reminded myself: he had already confessed his feelings to Catalina. His mistake was twofold because not only is Catalina a horrible secret-keeper, but she never forgets.
And Catalina was sure he was in love with me, wholeheartedly and presently. So I was sure.
“I’m not afraid,” he said as my eyes roved over his face, staking my claim. My eyes fastened to his lips, seeing them move but only barely hearing what he said. “You’re married. You’ve found your One. Even if I did have feelings for you, nothing could ever happen now. Besides, you said it yourself: what we did, our kiss, was a mistake.”
“Really? That’s what you’re going with?” I murmured. I traced an outline on his forearm. “C’mon, Minnie, do better.”
He tried to step away but I moved with him. Irritation flashed across his features but nothing could tamp down the desire, the endless summer of hope, that lay underneath it. “You’re married, Ace.”
“Yes, to Michael, for now.” I fought to keep my voice casual as I got closer to our happily-ever-after. I could see it, wrap my fingers around the picture of us that was so strong, it was almost a premonition. “He gave me his blessing. And his reassurance that it was okay.” I pursed my lips as I thought of Michael’s heavy-handed way of telling me that I should pursue Andrew. “He sends his regards, by the way.”
“But what about your parents? They hate me.”
“So what if they did? I would give it all up to be with you. Their approval, their access to resources. Losing that is not, in the grand scheme of things, worth losing you.” My throat burned as I thought about my dad’s expression when he talked about his love for my mom. “Besides, they don’t hate you. Or at least, my dad doesn’t.” I shrugged. “Fifty percent ain’t bad. We’ll work on my mom.”
“Alicia, this is crazy. We can’t just be together.”
“And why not?”
“We’re too different. We believe different things. You don’t even believe in God.”
“You’re only half right. I don’t think I believe in God. Attaching ideas of God to your dead brother would shake up anyone’s beliefs. And yes, you and I are different in our sources of faith. But what I feel for you is bigger than my doubts about God. My love for you has overcome grief, loss, fears about our future together, trepidation about my relationship with my parents, a whole marriage, everything. No matter how much I tried to fight it, it persisted. It even overcame the fear that you can’t love me forever.” I met his eyes. “I know you love me. But you have to admit it to yourself. Do you really wanna step onto that bus not being honest with the one person who needs it?” I straightened to my full height, gaining confidence with each inch I rose. “Do you really want to go against your own morals?”
Our eyes took up the battle that our wills had started. The truth of the matter was that I was just as terrified as Andrew to embark on a relationship that might, ultimately, fail. The thought that our romantic relationship would be completely different than our friendship hovered on the surface of my conscious mind, sinking and floating, buoying and descending in equal measure. There was no guarantee that our relationship would thrive the way our friendship had. Even still, I knew that I couldn’t give up a second time. I had to take it on faith.
Finally, Andrew looked away. For a moment, my heart sank. That is, until he said, “So what if I’m in love with you? What then?”
