AllFreeNovel
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“Oh.” Andrew picked up his plate and lowered his gaze to his food. He took a bite. “How often do you get them?”
“Not often.” I followed his lead and picked up my own plate. “Only when something reminds me of Dante.” I looked up at the canopy of trees again. “He loved the forest. He wanted his ashes spread in the forest.”
“I remember.” Andrew grimaced. “I’m sorry, Ace. I know how tough it was last time—”
“Yeah,” I interrupted. “But it’s over now.” I took a vicious bite of my chicken and chewed vigorously. Andrew watched me with an eyebrow raised. “It is,” I insisted around a mouthful of food. “I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks.”
“But you just had one now.” Andrew put down his plate, giving up pretenses. “So it’s not over, is it?”
I sighed louder. “See, this is why I didn’t want to talk about it,” I said. “You’re making it a bigger deal than it is.”
“Because it’s a big deal, Ace,” Andrew shot back. “Have you seen a therapist about it?”
“Nope, because I don’t need one. I’m fine.”
“Oh you are? So you didn’t just admit to having panic attacks? Ace, you’re not fine. You’re a mess.”
“A mess? Since when does having a good job and a good fiancé and a good fucking life count as being a mess? I’ve been just fine, thanks. This is the best I’ve ever been.”
“You worked at a job that didn’t respect you, you have a fiancé that treats you like a 1950s housewife and you’re not even married yet, and you just had a panic attack in a forest because it reminds of you of your dead brother. How does any of that sound fine?”
“Who are you to judge my life, Andrew?” I slammed my chicken on my plate. “You also work at a job you hate. You have not had a steady, consistent romantic relationship in ever. You came on this tour because you have nothing to lose. You’ve always been known as flighty. You’re doing worse than I am. At least I have Michael. You just want me to not be fine because you aren’t, and you want to be needed. Well, I don’t need you, Andrew. I’m living my life just fine.”
“You’re not, if you’re having panic attacks every time you think of Dante. Seriously, Alicia, what the hell’s going on with you?”
I sighed and ran my hands over my face. Finally, I looked up at him. “Listen, I’m sorry for overreacting,” I said. “You’re right, I did just have a panic attack, and you helped me through it, and I appreciate it. But everything else is good. I’m living the dream right now. We’re on tour with my favorite band.” I forced a bright smile to my face, and Andrew frowned. “Let’s just forget it, okay?”
Andrew shook his head and picked up another biscuit. “Fine,” he said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes more before Andrew said, “Janet had panic attacks, you know.”
I looked up in surprise. Janet was one of Andrew’s steadiest siblings, so the notion that she could lose her shit was baffling. “Really?”
Andrew nodded. “She has really bad social anxiety.”
“Interesting. I didn’t know.” I swallowed my potatoes and steadily avoided Andrew’s eyes. “I thought that you knew how to calm panic attacks because you had them.”
“Nah, not my diagnosis.” As I tried to meet his eyes, he squinted up into the canopy. “I’m more of a ‘stay in my room for weeks on end, stop eating, yell and cuss at everyone who comes close’ kinda guy.”
“Depression,” I said. He nodded without meeting my gaze. “When did you know for sure?”
“For a while now, but definitely since you and I stopped being friends. Had to go to therapy for a while there.” He shrugged. “We all deal with loss in different ways, I suppose.”
“Yeah. I suppose.” I sighed, feeling the heaviness of our conversation. “Wow. I didn’t know you went to therapy.”
He smiled wryly. “You didn’t ask. One could even wonder if you didn’t ask on purpose.”
“One could? Or you do?”
“Oh, I don’t wonder about it.” He grinned and finally looked at me. “Anyway, the past has passed. And what was it you said? ‘It’s over now.’ I’m better now.” He shrugged again.
“Therapy helped, then?” I asked.
“A little,” he said. “And God. And sunlight.”
“Ah, so you’re a flower, then.”
“The prettiest. And don’t you forget it.”
