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“Doing great, thanks for asking.” I let out my breath in a rush of air and mashed-together words.
He tilted his head as he asked, “What is it?”
“It’s nothing,” I said, blushing as he lifted an inquisitive eyebrow. My eyes slid from his. “It’s just nice to hang out with you all again.”
“You hang out with me, Jeremiah, and Michael almost every week,” Cat pointed out.
“I know, but it’s not the same as this.” I sighed. I felt the joy and comfort of being among those who knew me seep into my very marrow. “This feels complete, somehow.”
All three nodded, too, lost in thought. Finally, Jeremiah spoke up. “It’s because we’re family. We’ve been through a lot together.”
“A lot of bullshit,” Cat agreed. “Do you remember being stuck in detention for being late to school six times?”
“Or when Ace got grounded again for not adhering to her parents’ commandments?” Jeremiah smirked at this.
“Or when Cat and Jeremiah moved across the country?” I said.
“Or everything that happened with Dante?” I felt my jaw tighten as Jeremiah said this. “That was a weird time.”
“Not weird,” Andrew murmured. “But definitely tragic.”
“Can we talk about that for a minute?” Cat interrupted. “We never talk about Dante, despite the fact that he was a fixture in our lives from Kindergarten till he died. I think I saw him more than I saw your parents. Or my parents, really. Now, it’s as if he didn’t exist.”
“I don’t pretend that he didn’t exist,” I protested.
“Other than tonight, when was the last time you even said his name?” Cat looked at me as if waiting to hear an excuse. My fingers tapped out a rhythm on my thighs.
“There’s just nothing to say. He’s gone, by his own choice. What could I possibly say about him?”
“You know damn well it wasn’t by his choice, Ace,” Cat shot back. “He had a terminal illness. He was gonna die regardless of whatever hellish treatment they put him through—”
“He could’ve given us a little more time, but instead, he put his own needs above all else. He could’ve had months, even years, but he decided that it was ‘God’s plan’ for him to die. So he beat Him to the punch.”
“He didn’t commit suicide. He let nature take its course.”
“Really? Was it nature or God that killed him? Because I’ve heard it both ways, and honestly, I think it’s a bullshit-ass excuse to get out of fighting for your life.”
The silence yawned before us, becoming its own entity. The shakes that had inhabited my hands grew until my whole body vibrated. Andrew, the closest to me on the couch, reached out to touch me, but I moved away. I stood up and gathered my stuff.
“As fun as this has been,” I said, “I should go find out what happened to my fiancé.”
I stood at the entrance of the church, feet cemented to the floor. People whose faces I couldn’t remember flowed past me. Some were crying, but I couldn’t find it in me. I couldn’t cry for someone who didn’t fight for their life.
Still, it was as if my body knew that once I made my way down the aisle, I couldn’t deny that Dante wasn’t coming back. I sighed a watery sigh. Death had such finality to it.
“And you said you wouldn’t need me.” The soft murmur at my ear made me hear sonnets and feel butterflies, but outwardly, I rolled my eyes. Only one person had the confidence and gall to sneak up on me at a funeral.
“I don’t need you.” I straightened my spine a little more and sniffed. My fingers tapped an impatient beat on my leg. “I’m taking my time.”
He gently wrapped his arms around my shoulders and rested his chin against my hair. “Sure,” he said. “Okay.”
We stood like that for a while, with me sheltered in the warmth of his arms, his chin on my head. Finally, he let go and stepped in front of me. I looked down at his proffered hand. “Ready?”
I stepped around him, ignoring his hand, and walked slowly down the aisle. Heads turned to watch me go. I felt the heat of a hundred gazes on my back as I made my way to the casket. With each step, I kept my back straight and my chin up. I could feel my mother’s eyes on me, a warning glance. Don’t ever let them see you sweat. Oh, how well you taught me to hide in plain sight, Mother.
I stopped a few feet from Dante’s casket. It was closed on account of Dante’s wishes to be cremated, but I could only imagine what he would look like at this moment. Silent and still. At peace. My chin wobbled, and my eyes filled with tears. The burning that I had felt in the first days after Dante died sprang up with a vengeance. I choked on it. My fingers, ever moving, tapped out an even more frantic beat. Despite this, my watch stayed silent.
There will never be anyone who can fill this hole you left me with.
