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Telling them how I felt would ruin everything. They would send me packing, and I would be alone again.
This was better.
Being here, surrounded by a family and loving on them even though they might not ever love me back would be my new mission. No, not new. That had always been my mission.
That had been fine, until Justice kissed me. Now I yearned for it. Yearned for them.
I groaned and kicked, having an adult temper tantrum. Huh. Koby might be on to something with the kicking. Felt good.
With thoughts of them swimming in my head, I hugged my pillow and fell asleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Sloan
The next evening, we were home early enough to all have dinner together, with much laughter and a delicious chocolate fudge layer cake that Koby and Livvy made “just because.” It was rich and dark and amazing, and we ate over half of it before she put the rest away for the next day, calling us a bunch of greedy gluttons.
“Gweedy gwuttons,” Koby crowed, banging his spoon on his special plate with the panda on it. “Gweedy, Gweedy, Gweedy.”
His face was coated with frosting, also his hands up to the elbows. I took comfort in the fact that more of his dessert was on him than in him because he’d be on a sugar high for a while. Angela had never allowed sugary desserts in the evening. If he had a treat, it would be much earlier in the day.
But Angela wasn’t here, and although Livvy had basically thrown away the manual on raising our cub, he seemed to be thriving. Different mothers could apparently use different techniques to successfully rear happy, healthy children. Or at least so it seemed to me. Not that she was his mother. Of course not. She had started out as a nanny and mate in name only but had rapidly become part of the family and more.
My panda wanted her to be much more. She was clearly our mate for real, but she’d shown no signs of wanting to make it so, smiling and humming as she did household chores and took care of Koby.
Sure, we spent a lot of time together, but I spent a lot of time with Justice, as well, and we weren’t lovers or mates. So, was Livvy destined to just be a good friend, then? Livvy was currently wiping away at our chocolate-coated cub, who was still chanting about “gwuttons” although he seemed to have forgotten the other word.
“It’s hopeless.” She stood up and tossed the cloth she’d been using in the sink. “We’re just going to have to go right to the bath portion of our evening.”
“I’ll bathe him.” Justice held out his arms, but Koby crossed his over his chest and thrust out his bottom lip. “No, you gwutton. I want Wivvy to give me bath.”
Livvy frowned at him. “Don’t call your daddy a glutton, Koby. I was teasing, but I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Daddy not a gwutton?” He was such a mess, the frosting now smeared from ear to ear by Livvy’s attempt to clean him up.
I bit my lip, fighting back laughter.
“No, he’s not. He just ate three slices of cake, but that’s because we made such a good one.”
“Good cake.” He licked at a blob on his arm, and Livvy scooped him up, holding him at arm’s length away from her pale-blue and white striped blouse.
“Come on, Koby. I’ll take you to the tub, and your daddies can relax.” She marched away, speaking to Koby about something that made him giggle.
“I guess we’d better clean things up,” I said, standing. “Livvy does a good job of cleaning as she goes while preparing dinner, but Koby and cake is a recipe for a mess.”
“He loved it.” Justice stacked plates and carried them to the sink. “He met me at the door telling me all about baking the cake. So proud.”
“He’s a good little guy.” I chuckled, rinsing dishes for the dishwasher. “But I’m not sure he’s going to come clean this time.”
“It’s better than some of those diaper blowouts. Remember those?”
His nose wrinkled. “Like I could forget. A few times we did give up and throw the clothes away.”
“I suppose we’ll have new messes as he grows up. From blowouts to cake to teenage heartbreak.”
“Don’t rush things.” He cocked his head. “She’s singing to him. He loves that.”
Together, we got the dishwasher loaded, the counters wiped off and, with some elbow grease and a whole lot of vinegar and water, about 95 percent of the cake from his high chair. Finally, we decided it would have to be taken outside and hosed down, but eventually it was all done.
