Page 113 of My Daddy Is An Ex-Con

The figure walks toward me. "I don't know who the hell you think I am—I’m only here to keep you from moving. And I’m very much alive."

"Daddy killed you," I snarl.

He lifts a gun. "As I said,I’m not dead."

That’s when a light flashes through the window. Though the man is hooded, I make out his distinct facial features at once.

Unease sucker punches me.

"You’re his brother."

The man lets out a low Scottish growl. "Mybrother was killed in America earlier this month. Is that who you mean?"

"Yes."

He snarls at me. "Tell me what the fuck you know about that."

I can use this man to my advantage.

"Look." I clench my fists. "The men who stole me killed your brother."

"Bullshit," he snarls.

"They did it because your brother tried to rape me."

"Wille wouldn’t have done that," he growls.

His name was Willie? Like the Scottish groundskeeper in theSimpsons?

"Willie was a monster," I spit out. Then, I realize that this probably isn’t the best track to go down if I want this man to be my ally. "Or so they said."

"What do you mean?" The man isn’t impressed.

"I wanted to fuck Willie. I’d never seen a man in a kilt before—he drove me crazy with need. I was so horny."

The man removes his hood as well as the tracksuit he’s wearing.

"I got me kilt right here," he growls, stepping closer. "Tell me if ye find me attractive."

I lick my lips. "Handsome."

The man lifts up his kilt. "Got a big Scottish willy under me kilt. For ye. The men who hired me to guard ye told me to keep my snake in my trousers.They said nothing about me kilt."

I beckon him closer. "Come here, big boy."

I use the accent Jamie Oliver uses on TV. I figure it’s best to at least pretend I’m from the same general part of the world as him.

The man’s eyes turn to slits. "Was that anEnglishaccent?"

"Yes?" I respond.

I’m not sure if this is good or bad.

He growls. "The English persecuted my people for years."

Ahhh, fuck. Well, that’s what I get for not brushing up on my European history.

"I’m kidding," I snap, backtracking. "I just borrowed the accent from Jamie Oliver."

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