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* * *
Shana opened her door and immediately wrapped me in a hug. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head and let her go. “Can I stay here? He doesn’t know where you live.”
“Of course. I already set the guest room up when I got your message.”
“Thanks.” I fought against the tears, but I was barely holding myself together. “Can I…can I go there now?”
Shana searched my face and gave me a small nod. “Yeah. Yeah, of course you can.”
She led me through her home, explaining that her girlfriend was out of town for the weekend and I could stay however long I needed. I vaguely heard her mention the bathroom and kitchen, but my vision was too blurred with tears to see anything. She opened the door to a bedroom and ushered me in.
“Do you want me to stay with you?”
“I just need…I just need a little space to try to understand what happened.”
She gave me a soft smile and closed the door behind her. I didn’t bother to take off my cardigan, instead curling into a tight ball on the bed, wrapping my arms to brace myself from my bone-deep sobs. I couldn’t make sense of my thoughts.Didn’t have the energy to decide if I was being rational or not. All I felt was betrayed. I thought Anon13 had ghosted me, but it was Lucas making me feel that way again, all the while telling me how much he cared. Pain I hadn’t dealt with after Marcus’s death mixed with how worried I’d been that something had happened to my anonymous friend. I didn’t realize how scared I was until I knew for sure he was fine. I closed my eyes and fought against the thoughts. I needed time.
* * *
Four days later, there was a knock on the bedroom door. “I don’t want company.” I felt bad turning Shana away in her own home, but I couldn’t talk about it.
The door opened, revealing a green-haired pixie with one raised brow. “Well, you’re getting it whether you want it or not.”
She sat at the end of my bed and looked me over. “You look like hell.”
A laugh bubbled out of my chest, and a small smile curved my lips. “Yeah, having your heart ripped out will do that to you.”
“I know, sweetie. And I’ll kick his ass later for you, but now you’ve got to get up.” She stood from the bed and placed one hand on her hip and held the other out to me. “Shower. Now.”
I let her haul me to my feet and drag me to my shower. As I was closing the door, I heard Shana say, “Thanks for coming. I didn’t know what to do.”
I washed my hair three times and let the hot water rinse away some of the weight I’d been carrying. It was like waking up from hibernation, my body stiff from where I’d stayed still for too long. I climbed out, putting on the clothes Misty had brought me, and pulled myself together for the conversation I knew they were about to force me to have.
I stepped from the bathroom, and both my friends were already waiting for me.
Shana started first. “We’re having an intervention. You cannot stay in that room for some boy.”
I huffed out a laugh. “I’m not sure he’s just some boy.” My voice turned serious. “I’m also not sure that’s all this was about.”
“Okay, then tell us.”
We sat on the couch, and Misty brought me warm tea and tucked a blanket around me before placing her hand on top of mine. “What happened?”
I told them about Lucas’s being Anon13 but how it was worse because I’d been worried about him and been burying that feeling for weeks. I told them about telling Lucas deep, intimate things and him not even telling me who he was. I needed him.
“Was Anon13 there for you when you needed him?” Misty asked from her spot beside me on the couch.
I nodded.
“If you’d have known it was Lucas the entire time, would you have still talked to him?”
Would I have? The question tumbled through my thoughts, finally landing on an answer. “Yes, that’s all I wanted.”
Shana leaned forward, eyes on mine, and said in a soft voice, “Do you think that’s what he wanted too?”
I’d spent the last year thinking he’d used me, but really, he’d believed he was the reason Marcus died. He believed that I would never forgive him. I believed he believed that. So, if he really did love me that entire time, was him reaching out the only way he could really that bad?
