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“Are you upset that I got the position?”
“Don’t be stupid. You’re the best person for it. I’m really happy.” I pause. “For you.”
“But not for you?”
I shrug. I don’t know what’s going on with Ham, or even with me. I do know that, right now, I don’t have the energy to fight. About anything. “You’ll be my boss,” I say simply. “You won’t want to hang out, go to movies. Drinks with everyone.”
Even as the words leave my mouth, I hear how childish they sound.
I can always blame the pain meds.
But then Ham smiles. One of his wide, white smiles that he only does when he’s really happy about something. “That’s what you’re upset about? Me not being able to have drinks with you?”
“It’s not that,” I protest.
He drops to the floor beside me. “Then what is it? Please, Charlotte. Tell me how you’re feeling. Because I honestly don’t know, and it’s been driving me crazy.”
“About the job?
“No. About me.”
Chapter Nine
I’ve thought myself in love once in my life, with Luke, who I spent two years with. It was never easy with Luke, since I had to keep everything NIIA a secret from him, plus he was Perry’s best friend, and then there was the little fact that he just wasn’t as into me as I was into him.
That took an embarrassing amount of time for me to realize.
And then, after Luke, there was Bryton, while I was stationed in Suriname. He had been the son of a client, and we became friends. And then more than friends, and then I was sent back home. I thought I might have been in love with Bryton, but I wasn’t there long enough to find out.
My feelings for both of them were so different than they are for Ham.
He makes me feel like I’m a quarterback running for a touchdown and he’s the defensive line surrounding me so no one can touch me. He’s my parachute when I jump, or the thick, inflatable mattress that I land on. He makes me feel safe, and in my line of work, that’s hard to do.
I thought I felt this way because Ham was my handler, but now I realize it’s just because it’s Ham.
I’m safe because I have him in my life. He’s my person. He’s my…everything.
But there’s still a reason for my hesitation. “You told me you were glad you aren’t my handler anymore,” I accuse.
Ham drops his gaze. “Yes, because I’m… terrified… when you’re on a mission and I can hear what’s going on, what you’re up against, but I can’t do anything to help.” He inhales sharply.
“You help. Look at today—you found us. You got Nick out of there. You did surgery on me. That’s a big help.”
“I was having difficulties listening to what you’re up against,” Ham admits. “If I’m in operations, I can make it safer overall for you. Because I know you’ll never stop being an agent.”
“No,” I say with a sad smile. That’s who I am. If Ham thinks he can change me…
“I don’t want you to.” With a tiny smile, he takes my hand that’s resting on my chest and threads his fingers through mine. “But I want to make the world safer for you, so you don’t have to throw yourself into so much danger. Because—”
Ham’s swallow is audible and his fingers tighten around mine.
“—because I’m in love with you.”
His eyes are so dark and scared and full of… “You are?” I whisper.
Those eyes close for a moment, and when they open, the fear is gone. “Yes, Charlotte Dodd, I’m in love with you. Very much so. And have been for quite some time.”
When I was eighteen, for my first mission, I was sent to Newfoundland to infiltrate the Laandian royal family during some regatta. It was a huge event, and there were fireworks that night, shooting into the night as people laughed and sang and danced.
