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“He came over?” Cyrus’s bark cracked across the room.
I blinked away the sensation of being busted because I’d done nothing wrong. “Yeah, he just let himself into my house. I freaked out on him and kicked him out.”
“He just let himself in? The door was unlocked?” Cyrus shook his head at me and growled, clearly frustrated. “Call him back. I’d like to talk to that fucker again.”
“I’d rather we didn’t involve my ex in this fight.” I threw my hands up. “Not that this even needs to be a fight.”
Sam looked at my phone as it started ringing again and hit the button to decline the call. Then he picked it up and turned the volume down, but not before seeing the call log from Andrew. Looking up at me, he looked confused. “He’s been calling you for days, Poppy.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not concerned about him.”
“Do you still love him?” Cyrus’s question was so silently asked, yet it felt like he’d dropped a bomb in the house. I could feel their tensions cranking higher.
Being questioned about Andrew just made me angry. They knew I was over Andrew and that being reminded that I had ever not been over the piece of shit was a slap in the face. “Does fucking me mean that the normal friendship rules don’t apply? You suddenly don’t hold anything back while talking about things that you know I don’t want to talk about?”
“It’s a simple question, Poppy.” Sam laughed bitterly when my phone vibrated in his hands. “He seems to really want you.”
“Why would you even ask me that, though? Why would the thought even cross your mind?” I gestured at my phone. “Because he’s calling me? Did you notice that I don’t call him? Or that I don’t answer him? A call hasn’t connected between his phone and mine since Cyrus answered.”
“Do you still love him?” Jude asked this time, his eyes intense.
“No!” I screamed the word, letting my anger and confusion get the best of me. “No, I don’t still love him! He was a monster to me and I don’t even know the girl who once fell for him. I’ve spent almost every moment of my free time with you three since I started this whole stupid fake date thing and you should know me well enough to know that I am not in love with Andrew!”
“Then who are you in love with?” Sam posed the question like I hadn’t just shouted my head off at them.
My stomach dropped so fast that I felt like I might vomit. “No one.”
Cyrus sighed heavily. “Poppy…”
I waved my hands in front of me like I could push that word away from me. “I don’t understand why you guys are even making me have this conversation. This is ridiculous. It’s not like any of you actually want a relationship.”
“I told you from the first fake date that I was looking to settle down.” Jude sat heavily on the couch and ran his hands over his head. “I’m too fucking hungover to beat around the bush for much longer, Poppy.”
“We all want relationships.” Cyrus tapped his fingers along his thigh faster than he spoke, a sign of the chaos inside him. “What’s your excuse now?”
“This is crazy. You all went and told my family that you’re group fucking me and I’m the one who’s in the wrong?”
“Don’t you fucking dare.” Sam was angrier than I’d ever seen him as he moved to the edge of his seat and leaned closer to me. “Out of all the lies you tell yourself to hide from your feelings, you won’t use that one. That this was just group fucking? That what we’ve been doing hasn’t been anything special? No. You know this is fucking special, Poppy. You know it is or you wouldn’t have done it in the first place.”
My hands shook and I shoved them under my legs. I felt like I was close to breaking down and I was terrified they were going to open Pandora’s box and release all the feelings I’d kept buried for so long. It didn’t happen often, but when it did and everything caught up with me, it was hard to bounce back.
“You’re not the only person who feels fucking fear, Poppy. We’re each terrified of taking one wrong step and ruining our friendship too.” Cyrus held out his hand and I could see the way it shook. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever let close after my mom left. You don’t think I’m scared to do something that would blow this up? You’re like a ticking time bomb that hates being cared for. All three of us have shit we want to tell you, things that we know we can’t because you’d drop us and run.”
“If I’m so terrible, why don’t you just walk away yourselves? Why stick around?” My entire body shook as I looked at each of them. I couldn’t hear what they were trying to tell me. I needed to stay angry. I needed them to fight with me. We could communicate in anger all day long.
“I’ve loved you since the day I met you, Poppy.” Sam didn’t raise his voice, didn’t fight back. “I figured it out when I was thirteen. I went away to college as soon as I could to try to stop it. I did everything I could to stop it. It’s never faded. It’s only gotten bigger and heavier. I love you, Poppy.”
I shook my head. My body had gone numb and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing. “No, you don’t.”
Jude leaned back on the couch and rested his ankle on his knee, looking the picture of easy living despite the expression on his face. “Yeah, he does. We all do. We want you as more than our best friend. It’s special with you. Somehow, this works. It works so fucking well. We’re all happier since we started this thing. You’re happier. We’ve seen it.”
“Yeah, I’m still too chickenshit to say it, but the feelings are there, babygirl. We’re all in. I know you’re scared. I know you hate this shit, having to talk about how you feel. I know that you care about us way more than you’re letting on too.” Cyrus grunted. “This wasn’t how we wanted to have this talk with you. It fucking hurts to see you act like this doesn’t mean a thing to you, though, Poppy.”
I didn’t know what to say. They hadn’t just broken the rules, they’d thrown them out and made new ones without telling me. I couldn’t understand what they were even asking for. “You want…what? Me? Forever?”
Jude stood up and went to the bar again. When he looked back at me, he shook out his hands and blew out a big breath. A small smile stretched his mouth and he looked hopeful. “Yeah, we do. We love you, Poppy. And I think you love us too.”
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