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He can’t die.
Save him.
I force my body to move as fast as it can, adrenaline and fear working my muscles harder than they ever have before.
Where the fuck is he?
“Marcus!” My voice is drowned out by the sound of water lapping against the stones blocking me from finding my best friend. “Marcus!”
I get into the area with boulders and search while the waves drive me into the rocks.
“Marcus!” The sun reflects off the water, blinding me for a minute as I try to locate him.
A wake from a speedboat crashes into me hard, making me hit the side of my head against a boulder. I’m dazed for a second and shake my head to clear it, but from the edge of my peripheral I see an arm. Focusing all my energy, I manage to get away from the boulder and around it to the next one where Marcus has gotten caught.
“Marcus!” I grab for him, but he doesn’t open his eyes or move at all. “Marcus, wake up!” There’s a deep gouge on his temple, and he looks pale. Is it from being in the water?
It takes a minute, but I pull his back against my chest and try to pull him to the small bank, but I can’t. Something is holding him here.
“Fuck!” I scream as loud as I can with frustration and fear and guilt. This is my goddamn fault.
“Come on, Marcus.” Tears form a knot in my throat as I try to get enough leverage to pull him loose, but whatever it is doesn’t give. Eventually, I stop trying and just hold him to me, letting the waves move us where it will. My body is tired, and some small part of me knows he’s not going to wake up. He’s gotten colder since I came out here, his skin turning blue, but I can’t give up.
“I’m sorry.” A tear streaks down my face, hot against the cold fear that’s dug its claws into me. “I should have told you on New Year’s when I kissed him. I should have told you that I was falling in love with him. I should have told you that I left to play football because I feel invisible in my own house since my mom died and that my dad is working himself to death and there’s nothing I can do about it. He won’t take his own life, but he misses Mom so much he’s killing himself so he can join her.” Tears fall freely down my face now as I hug my best friend’s body to my chest. My arm wrapped around him to keep him with me. I can’t leave him. I’m a shit friend, but I can’t let Eli lose him. Eli deserves to be able to bury his brother. The only family he’s ever had that gave a shit about him.
I don’t know how long we’re out here, but the sun starts sinking on the horizon, and I start to shiver in the shadows. Logically, I know I should leave, go find my phone, and call for help, but it hurts so much to give up on him. I can’t even get him out of the water. My throat is raw from yelling for help in the hope that someone walking past on the road would hear me, but no one came. I’m alone.
“I’m sorry I’m not enough for Eli. I’m not now, but I’ll learn how to be, and I’ll come back for him. I promise I’ll come back for him.” I have to go, or I’ll die out here too. It’s nothing less than I deserve, but I made a promise, and I’ll keep it.
With a sob, I kiss Marcus’s uninjured temple, squeeze him tightly, and apologize again, then let him go and swim for the shore. I’m weak from the mental load of what’s just happened and physically from fighting off the waves for hours, but determination keeps me moving.
By some miracle I make it to the shore and up the steep trail to the clearing. I don’t look back at the water. I don’t know what would be worse, seeing him or not. Gathering our things, I finally get to the road, put his stuff in his car, and call 911 to report a drowning.
I tell the operator what happened and even though my body is ready to drop, I wait for the police to show up. It’s hours of answering questions, my dad getting called, the Cushings getting called overseas, before I’m able to leave. I’m emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and numb when I call for a ride to the airport.
With every step, my legs beg for a break. I don’t know how I’m going to move tomorrow, but I’ll find a way. I have to. I’m flying back to school tonight instead of next week and ending this with Eli so he can find someone worthy of him.
My ride shows, and I drop into the back seat.
“Where to, kid?” the guy asks, and I rattle off my address.
I shouldn’t go home, Eli will come looking for me, but I won’t stay long, just grab a few things I need for school, then head to the airport.
Flipping through my phone, I find my messages and bring up Eli’s chat. I stare at his small picture, tears once again filling my eyes, and I type out a message.
ASHER: I’m sorry.
CHAPTERONE
Elliot
I’m awake when my phone vibrates at midnight. My bed is calling me, but Jordan, my pink-haired, feisty friend, dragged me out of my apartment for the first time in months. These days I don’t have to leave my cave. Groceries can be delivered, and I can order anything off the internet, and I can have meals delivered too so I don’t even have to cook. Not that I’m hungry much these days. My days mostly consist of laying around the house in the silence of my life, too exhausted to put on a mask convincing enough to leave. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost my easy smile, my laugh.
“Come on!” Jordan grabs my hand and pulls me toward the band performing on stage. NF, I think she said? I don’t know. It’s loud, the lyrics rip at your heart, while the drums pound out a beat you can feel in your bones.
The noise and number of people makes me anxious, but it’s also amazing to get lost in the crowd. I’m not Elliot Cushings, son of Grammy-winning parents with a dead brother. Yes, it’s all very tragic. But right here, right now, I’m just a person. There are no cameras in my face. No paparazzi shouting questions about my sexuality or lack of dating history.
It’s dark, loud, and humid, but Elliot Cushings doesn’t exist. Not here. I don’t matter. I don’t have to wear a mask because no one is looking at me.
