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Eli recoils from me, trying to take the towel from me and push me away.
“I’m fine. Go away.” His voice shakes a little, but it’s stronger than it was a second ago. Good. Maybe getting him angry will get some of his fight back.
“No. What the hell were you thinking?” I demand again, shoving his hands away. “You could have hit something major and bled out.”
I jerk on his leg, pulling him closer to me so I can get a better angle in the light. The bleeding has slowed but is still beading up at the edges of the cut. There’s blood splattered on the floor and the wall, probably from dropping the knife.
The knife. Fuck.
I search the floor and recognize the blade I gave him for his birthday. All I can do is stare at it for a minute. The black coating on the blade is scratched up, but it looks like it’s been used and probably sharpened a few times. I gave that to him for protection, not for him to carve himself up.
When my eyes finally drag back to Eli, he’s sobbing into his hands.
There’s a lump in my throat, and it hurts to swallow.
“Eli.” My voice cracks this time. His pain echoing off the walls of the luxury bathroom. It just goes to show you that demons don’t care how much money you have. They’ll haunt anyone, drag you down into hell where your money is no good for anything except a fire starter.
I drop to my ass on the tile and bring him into my lap, still holding pressure to the wound. I don’t think he’ll need stitches, but it’ll definitely be sore tomorrow.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
Elliot
Idon’t know how long I sit in Asher’s lap, his arm rubbing circles over my back as I drown in the darkness that’s kept a hold on my ankle for six years. Hell, probably before that. I just wasn’t consumed by it before then. I had someone to pull me out of the quicksand, to shine a flashlight in the inky nothingness that was my head.
I just needed to feel something, to have a way to get the overwhelming numbness to escape. Sometimes, bleeding is the only way to make it stop. The bite of the blade, the burn of the cut slicing through the paralyzed emotions. It lets me breathe without the weight on my chest. Allows me to purge, leaving me a trembling shell of pain, but it’s better than numb.
Asher’s fingers trace the scars on my other thigh. I think he’s counting them. Part of me wants to know what he’s thinking, but the other part knows. Now he knows I’m weak. This is the physical proof of not being able to handle my life. There’s no way he can see me as anything other than broken and fragile.
He pulls the towel back to check the wound again and seems happy with it. I can’t look at it. Shame tells me I’m useless and disgusting. Unlovable.
Look at yourself, a fucking disgrace.
I suck in a shuddering, hiccupping breath, and wipe at my face.
“I need to clean this.” Asher’s sudden voice makes me jump.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll do it,” I tell him and stand on shaking legs. I’m kind of surprised he let me get up, but I glance at myself in the mirror, and I’m horrified. My eyes are a mess, bloodshot, puffy, and with dark circles under them. I’m pale and look ridiculous in Asher’s shirt that I stole when I got out of bed.
I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t make my head be quiet. After two orgasms today, I should be passed out cold, but I can’t seem to get there. My body is exhausted, but my head won’t stop.
Asher stands next to me, leaning on the counter and watching me in the mirror. I grab a clean washcloth and get the water running so I can clean up the mess I made.
“No.” He takes the towel from me and spins me around, stepping into my space. “I’m going to clean you up and get you tucked back into bed. You’re going to sleep.”
“I can’t,” I growl. My breathing picks up at the idea of him taking care of me. Jordan is the only one I let take care of me sometimes. No one does it anymore, not really. I can’t depend on it, only for it to be taken away. Again.
“Can’t what?” Asher grips my chin and turns my face up to him. Why does he have to be so damn tall? So big. It’s rude.
“Can’t sleep.” I cross my arms to put something between his chest and mine. “Can’t depend on you.”
His jaw clenches, and I flick my gaze to the floor, away from him. I hate myself for saying it, for lashing out, but I need space.
Asher pushes his face into mine, digging his fingers into the skin of my jaw. “Listen very fucking carefully.” I swallow and carefully watch him. “You are mine. You’ve always been mine, and I’m done sharing.”
I jerk my face out of his grasp. As badly as I want to believe that, I don’t. There’s no way this will work when we leave the island, and I refuse to be a dirty little secret.
“I will not be your dirty little secret that you hide away in your house, telling anyone who sees me that I’mjust your roommate.I won’t.” I shove against his chest, but he doesn’t budge, the big bastard. “Just get away from me. I can’t do this with you. Don’t you see that being around you fucking hurts? You’re going to walk away again and leave me even more broken!”
