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“I am not ashamed of you.” My tone is hard and loud enough for the people close enough to hear me, but I don’t give a shit.
Eli lifts his eyes to mine, huge and vulnerable with fear and hope warring within the depths.
I open my mouth to tell him I love him and want him with me forever, even if it means losing my career, but Aaron speaks up.
“This is probably a private conversation that should happen later.” He pats me on the back and steps closer, dropping his voice so only we can hear. “People will start clearing out soon.”
He’s right, this is a conversation for us to have alone, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Keeping Eli’s hand in mine, I continue on with the wake. People give me strange looks, obviously curious about the scene Eli and I just caused, but no one straight out asks. I’m surprised by it, to be honest.
Finally, people start leaving. From the corner of my eye, I see Aaron going around to our teammates and talking to them, probably telling them to leave first so people start clearing out. In less than thirty minutes, the guests are gone, and the catering crew is cleaning up.
Exhausted, I drag Eli upstairs. Aaron catches up on the landing, and I stop to introduce them.
“Aaron, this is—”
“Eli, I figured.” He holds out his hand with a smile on his face while Eli looks back and forth between us.
“You told him about me?” He’s trying to hide a shy smile but failing as he takes Aaron’s hand to shake.
“Of course he did,” Aaron says. “I’m Aaron.”
“Nice to meet you.” Eli shakes his hand, and it’s adorable how awkward he is about it.
“Can we do this tomorrow? I’m exhausted.” I nod to Aaron, and he waves us off.
“I’ll handle the caterers.” He motions over his shoulder.
Fuck. I forgot about all of that.
“Thanks.”
Pulling Eli along behind me, I open my bedroom door and lock it behind us, then back him up to the bed.
“Asher,” he starts, holding his hands up like he’s trying to hold me off, but I don’t give him the option to say anything else. I claim his mouth in a quick, punishing kiss, then pick him up under the arms and toss him back onto my bed. Quickly, I climb on after him, desperate to feel him under me again.
“Asher,” Eli groans my name when I pinch his nipple and pull.
“You’re not leaving me again, Elliot.” At his full name, his eyes spring open and meet mine. “Do you understand?”
“I can’t stay,” he insists, and there’s heat behind it like he wants to but needs to be convinced.
Laying down with half my body weight on him, my leg over his and my hand on his skin, I stare at him. The dark circles under his eyes are back, the glow in his eyes has dimmed again too. It hurts to see my boy losing himself.
“You can and you will.” He shakes his head, tears filling his eyes that I brush from his cheeks with my thumbs. “Why can’t you stay? What’s holding you back?”
“You can’t lose football for me,” he says in a rush, his voice breaking. Eli covers his eyes with his arm, hiding from me.
“If that’s what it takes to keep you, fuck football.” I lift his arm and cup his cheek. “Will I miss it? Sure, but you are the most important thing to me. You. You are worth everything, and I am not giving you up again. I can’t. I love you.”
Eli sobs and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I wrap myself around him, turning on our sides so he can curl into me while he purges the emotions I know are flooding his head.
My boy is broken, and that breaks my heart. I caused some of this self-doubt, but I’ll fix it. I’ll make sure he never has a reason to question his worth again.
We lay together a long time, Eli’s sobs quietening to sniffling, then to silence, but I don’t rush him. I let him process what I’ve said, and when his breathing evens out and his body relaxes into sleep, I follow him. For the first time since I left the island, I fall into a deep, restful sleep and stay there all night.
The next morning, Eli is curled on his side facing away from me. As badly as I want to wrap myself around him again, I know I need to get up and get ready to head back to San Diego. The idea turns my stomach. I need him to come with me even though I’m going to minicamp.
Standing, I realize I’m still in my dress shirt and suit pants, though I had shed my jacket at some point apparently, since it’s on the floor. I leave the room carefully and head downstairs to make coffee and to give me a few minutes to get my head together.
