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It’s a peaceful silence once the door is closed, Eli and I just existing in the space. I run a hand up and down his back, and he wraps his arms around my naked torso.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you that your dad’s lawyer dropped off some stuff on Friday.” Eli pulls away from me to head into the living room, so I follow him. The couch is more comfortable anyway. I drop down, and he hands me a thick manila envelope and what looks like a blue ring box.
Inside the jewelry box is a ring I haven’t seen since my mom was alive. The silver ring with a single white pearl that I don’t think she ever took off. I forgot about this. She loved this ring, and my father used to complain because it was cheap, just sterling silver instead of gold or platinum, but she loved it. I remember one Christmas he bought her a “better” one, but she refused to wear it, saying she liked this one better.
My chest is tight with the memory. It’s been so long since I remembered something about her. She’s been gone for a long time, and I haven’t had anyone to share the memories with that I’ve buried or forgotten a lot about her.
Eli curls up on the couch with me, wrapping his arm around mine, and leaning his head on my shoulder.
“That was your mom’s, right?” he asks quietly.
I can’t speak past the knot in my throat, so I nod and hand him the box.
“She loved this thing.” He smiles at the simple piece of jewelry. She was like that. Simple. She liked the little things in life. The big house and name-brand clothes were all my dad, not Mom. She was fine in a Hanes T-shirt and Levi’s.
I open the envelope, and along with a bunch of legal documents, there’s a smaller envelope with my name on it in Mom’s handwriting. I set the stack aside, and with trembling fingers, I hold the last words my mother tried to give me. The ache is back in my chest, trying to choke me. Did Dad know about this and keep it from me for a reason? Were there stipulations to giving it to me?
Eli threads his fingers through mine and squeezes, giving me unspoken comfort and courage to open the letter.
Asher,
My darling boy. The light in my heart. If you’re reading this, I’m no longer with you. I’m sorry, baby. I have a lot of regrets, a lot of missed moments because I was distracted. I hope you know that was not a failure on your part, but mine. I love you so deeply.
You may not understand this now, but I’m leaving a few things to you that I want you to be careful with. The pearl ring I always wore on my right hand is my favorite piece of jewelry. It’s not an expensive piece, pearl and silver, but it means the world to me. Pearls are created out of necessity. When a grain of sand gets into an oyster, the animal coats it in the same material the inner shell is made of to protect itself. Remember that even when something comes into your life, trying to hurt you, there’s something about it that can be beautiful. Growth, survival, perseverance is beautiful. Scars are proof of life and success, not failure.
Remember that if you ever find yourself lost in the dark, I am with you. You are never alone, even if you feel like you are. Your mind may sometimes lie to you, but I will always sit in the dark with you until you can find the light.
I hope you find someone you love that will sit with you in the shadows. Who can see the beauty in survival. And I hope you give them this ring. Even though the metal is dented out of shape, it tells a story too of living. It formed to the shape of my finger, a flat spot where it was pressed against the tools of my life.
Wrap your arms around the Cushings boys for me. Tell them I love them, always. Death will not stop that, and I will meet all of you again one day.
You, my boy, are a fighter. Use that spirit to take yourself as far as you can, to touch as many lives as you can. Never let fear dictate what you do with or how you live your life. It is yours. Set an example of how to live fearlessly. More people need to see it. Be unashamed of who you are and what your goals are. You have it in you.
Love always,
Mom
Tears run down my cheeks,blurring her handwriting. I wipe at my eyes and read back over it. I can almost hear her voice in my head. Almost. Just a tease of it somewhere in the back of my mind.
Did she know back then that I was in love with Eli? That I would end up giving this ring to him? Because that’s what’s going to happen. When I find the right time to propose, I’m doing it with this. Nothing else will mean as much, and I know he’ll love it as much as I do.
Eli sniffs, wiping at his cheeks, and I wrap my arm around him, pulling him into my lap.
“I loved her.” His voice is muffled by my skin.
“She loved you just as much.” I kiss his hair and hold him close. Eventually, I move the papers, take the ring box, and set it all on the coffee table so we can lay down.
“Do you remember when she taught me how to make cookies?” Eli asks, a smile in his tone.
I chuckle at the memory. They were terrible. “Yeah, I do.”
He starts laughing trying to tell the story and ends up crying from laughing so hard.
“The smoke detector went off.” He’s barely able to get the words out, and they’re squeaky when he does. “Your mom comes running full speed into the kitchen while I stand there, oven mitts in hand, staring in horror at the oven.”
I start laughing too, mostly because he’s laughing so hard.
“They tasted terrible,” I admit.
