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He muttered, “But instead, I’m a failed actor. You must be so disappointed.”
“I could never be disappointed in you, and you haven’t failed. You’re only twenty-four! Your big break and your entire career are still ahead of you.”
“But I’ve been at it since I was ten years old. At what point do I admit I’m no good at this and find something else? Because after all these years, it’s beginning to feel pretty hopeless.”
“If you can’t find someone to give you a chance, then make your own opportunity. Stage a play, and cast yourself as the lead. Do whatever the fuck it takes. Just don’t give up!”
He grinned a little and asked, “Who are you? Because my father never dropped an f-bomb in his life.”
That made me grin, too. “Actually, I swear like a sailor. Just never around you, because I was trying not to be a bad influence.”
He chuckled, but then his expression grew serious and he said, “I was so mad at you, for such a long time. My most recent in a long line of therapists told me I needed to see you face-to-face and tell you how I felt. He said I’d never be able to heal until I did that.”
I took a seat on the edge of my desk and said, “Go for it. Don’t hold back. I was a shitty father, and I deserve your wrath.”
“That’s not why I came here.” He moved over to one of the chairs in the seating area and leaned against the back of it. “I just wanted to see you. It’s been a long time.”
“It has. Last I heard, you were in the UK.”
“Yeah, for about the last year, but it wasn’t working out. Then Mom called to let me know she’s selling the house and moving in with her boyfriend. She told me if I wanted anything, I had to come get it, otherwise it’s all getting tossed or sold. So, I came back to collect my things, and now I’m trying to decide what’s next for me.”
“I see.”
After a pause, he said, “When I started getting these daily emails from you, I thought you’d either been hacked or were on some mood-altering drugs. They sounded nothing like you.”
I shook my head. “No to both the hacker and the happy pills.”
“So, what’s changed?”
I hesitated before saying, “It feels strange to talk about this with you.”
A look of understanding crossed his handsome features, and he guessed, “You’re seeing someone.” When I nodded, he said, “It’s fine, you can tell me. I’m not one of those kids who secretly wishes his divorced parents would get back together. That would be a total disaster. I can’t even imagine two people more fundamentally different that you and Mom. I don’t even know why you stayed together as long as you did.”
“Habit, mostly.” The real answer was a lot more complicated than that. My ex-wife and I had lived like friends and roommates, with separate bedrooms and separate lives. That had worked for us—until she decided she wanted more, and I couldn’t be what she needed.
“Well, your new girlfriend seems to be a good influence on you.”
“Boyfriend, actually.”
Lee looked stunned. “You’re gay?”
“I’m bi.”
He murmured, mostly to himself, “I wonder if it’s hereditary.”
“You, too?”
“It took me a while to figure that out, but yeah. I am. I always wondered how it’d go over if I ever came out to you. It never occurred to me you’d come out first.”
“Are you seeing anyone?”
“No. I’ve sworn off relationships for the foreseeable future, since my last one basically tore my heart out. Now I’m putting all my energy into driving my acting career directly into the ground.”
“I’m sorry that relationship didn’t work out.”
“Yeah, me too.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and muttered, “This is the strangest conversation. I’ve never been able to talk to you without it turning into a huge fight, and all of a sudden here we are, spilling our guts.”
“I’m really glad you came to see me.”
“I apologize for just showing up out of the blue, but I didn’t want to announce it, in case I ended up chickening out. I’d assumed this would turn into another big argument, and I didn’t know if I could deal with that.”
“I understand.”
He sighed and asked, “Why has our relationship always been so complicated?”
“I gave you a lot of reasons to hate me.”
“Not really. You weren’t a bad person. You were just always at work.”
“But that wasn’t right. You deserved a father who was there for you a hell of a lot more than I was, and I owe you an apology. I know that doesn’t fix or change anything, but I really am sorry.”
“Thanks for saying that, but I kind of get it,” he said. “I didn’t when I was a kid, but now I know you were trying to take care of Mom and me the only way you knew how. I fired a therapist when he suggested that, because I felt like he was taking your side. But then I spent a long time thinking about it afterwards, and he had a point. You worked all the time, because to you, being a good dad and husband meant making sure we never wanted for anything.”
