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I slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes, yawning afterward. Despite me getting ten hours of sleep, I still felt like I could sleep longer. But I needed to find out where my beautiful little wife was because it was rare she crawled out of bed before noon. Not that I gave a damn. She’d spent too many years of her life fighting to stay alive and well. She deserved some rest.
I slid out of bed and fished some basketball shorts out of the dresser, sliding them on commando before walking out of the bedroom.
Lillian was curled up in her recliner, a blanket covering her as she watched some sitcom on TV. Ezra was sitting at the bar doing homework, and Solomon was on the floor in front of the coffee table, his Switch set up in front of him, his fingers rapidly moving over the buttons.
Thiswas how life was supposed to be. Not the hell all of us had grown up with. Not all of the trauma we’d all endured.This. And despite it coming so many years late, I was glad we could finally have it.
I dropped a kiss to the top of Lillian’s head as I passed her, heading for the kitchen. She turned her head to look at me. “Good morning,” she greeted.
“Morning, little blondie.” I grabbed a bowl out of the cabinet and grabbed a box of cereal off the top of the fridge. “Surprised you’re already up,” I commented.
“I have a doctor’s appointment in a little over an hour,” she informed me. “I was going to wake you up in about ten minutes.”
Shit. It was already that time. I’d been going to every appointment with her since we found out she was pregnant, but it still didn’t feel real. But today, I’d promised her I’d sit in the room with her when they did her ultrasound. We’d hear the heartbeat and see the baby on the screen. Today, we would probably find out what Lillian was having.
Fuck. I wasn’t ready for this. I’d been putting this off, staying away when ultrasounds were done.
“Amadeus?” Ezra quietly spoke up, drawing my eyes to him. “You good?” he asked.
Swallowing thickly, I jerkily nodded my head, realizing I’d just been standing there, holding a box of cereal like a dumbass. But now, I was no longer hungry. Blowing out a soft breath, I put the cereal back and then placed the bowl back in the cabinet. I cleared my throat, hoping Lillian didn’t notice I was freaking out. I’d been hiding how I was feeling from her so far, not wanting her to feel like she was fucking things up. Because she wasn’t. I was just struggling to come to terms with being a dad. I mean, fuck, look what kind of man had raised me.
But I would come around to it eventually. I wouldn’t leave her stranded and alone, and I wouldn’t be an asshole like my own father was.
“I’m going to get a shower and get dressed,” I told Lillian.
“Okay,” she said, looking at me with a frown. Not wanting her to worry about me, I gripped her chin and slanted my lips across hers, kissing her hard and hungrily. She softly moaned into my mouth, her hands sliding up my abs and chest to grip my shoulders.
When I pulled back from her, her lips were kiss-swollen, and her skin was flushed. I dropped a kiss to the tip of her nose before heading to the bedroom.
I needed to get my shit together. For her, at the very least.
Scrubbing my hands down my face, I blew out a harsh, heavy breath.
Fucking hell.
I wasnotready for this.
* * *
Lillian held my hand in hers as she laid back on the small cot in the ultrasound room. She refused to let go of my hand, seemingly more nervous for this moment than I was. I didn’t know how I wasn’t sweating like a fucking pig right now. Even my fucking heart was racing, which rarely ever happened. Earlier in the shower, I’d been sure I was going to have a heart attack, but when I texted Ezra, he assured me I was just having a panic attack and told me to breathe through it. The only reason he hadn’t come barging in was because we both agreed we didn’t need to freak Lillian out, not when I was her rock and she relied on me to be her solid foundation.
But fuck. I didn’t have anxiety attacks. I’d faced a father that was a child molester. Had stood up to Lillian’s father without batting an eye. But a baby was throwing me for a fucking loop.
I helped Lillian push her shirt up and roll her leggings down. Normally, she wore dresses, but none of us had done laundry yet, and her other dresses no longer fit her comfortably up top.
The ultrasound tech stepped into the room with a wide, beaming smile. “Hi! I’m Mandy, and I’ll be doing your ultrasound today, Lillian. How are you?” Immediately, I liked her. She was speaking to my wife instead of me. I’d lost count of the number of medical personnel who had immediately spoken to me instead of their actual patient. Drove me goddamn nuts.
“Nervous,” Lillian told her, her nerves clear in her voice. She blew out a soft breath, and I gently squeezed her hand, trying to be what she needed me to be, even when I felt like I was about to splinter apart.
“Well, let’s go ahead and get the scan done, yeah?” Mandy soothingly said, grabbing her wand and the bottle of gel. “This is going to be warm. I promise it’s not cold.”
“Oh, thank God,” Lillian breathed, making Mandy laugh a little.
Mandy smeared the gel around a bit with the wand and then began to focus on her screen.
My heart stopped in my chest at the sight of our baby when it popped up on the screen. Its legs were kicking, pushing against Lillian’s belly. Lillian had been feeling movement for a few weeks now, but nothing really hard—not yet.
The sound of its heartbeat suddenly filled the room, and tears burned in my eyes. The rapid beat was quick but steady, stealing the breath from my lungs. My hand trembled in Lillian’s, but I didn’t even notice it. My vision blurred, ruining the image of our sweet baby on the screen.
