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“Amadeus?” Lillian asked softly.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Yeah?” I rasped, afraid to look at her. I didn’t want her to see me like this, but I couldn’t hide it. Where the fuck could I go? I wasn’t willing to leave her side.
She gently squeezed my hand. “Look at me please,” she pleaded.
I slowly ripped my eyes from the screen and looked down at her. She was softly crying, but she wasn’t looking at the screen. She was looking at me, so much adoration and love in her eyes that she ended up wrecking me all over again.
“I know this hasn’t been easy for you,” she whispered, her voice shaky, “but it’s okay to love it.”
“Him,” Mandy corrected before letting us have our tender moment again.
Lillian sobbed, and I dropped into the chair beside the cot Lillian was laying on. My shoulders shook as tears streamed down my cheeks. I dropped my face into my free hand, trying to get myself together, but I couldn’t—not yet. It was all too raw, too real.
We were having a fuckingboy.
I didn’t have a single memory of me crying before in my life. I knew I had at some point, but all the memories I had from my childhood, I was already hardened. Hatred had already started consuming me. I was already learning the game my father played so I could one day master it. I was already my brother’s protector.
But today, for the first time I could remember, I was crying. Over this. Over my son.
My son.
He was the opportunity for me to right the wrongs that I’d suffered. I hadn’t been able to be everything my little brother needed. Hadn’t been able to protect him from everything in this world. There were times I couldn’t stop my father from hurting him when I wasn’t around.
But Icouldprotect my son. Icouldmake sure no one ever touched him in the ways we’d been touched. Icouldlove him and give him everything Solomon and I had missed out on from our own parents.
I could raise him to be good. To be so much better than me. To give him the things I’d never been able to have.
Love. Respect. Adoration. Care. Safety.
“Oh, Amadeus,” Lillian whispered. She pulled me close and held the side of my head. “I know.” She hiccupped. “Iknow.”
For the first time since I’d found out she was carrying our child, I pressed my hand to her now clean belly, my breath shuddering from my lungs.
