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I hadn’t managed to tell her the truth. I just couldn’t. Things were already so fucked-up. I rubbed my eyes tiredly. “Um…well, sweetie, she was only going to be with us for two months, so that time is up now.”
“Does that mean she’snotcoming back?”
“Not…not necessarily…” The thought of Cara never coming back, never seeing her bright smile, her freckled nose scrunching as she laughed, her chestnut hair falling over her shoulders, broke my heart. The thought ofLucynever getting to see her again…
Utterly destroyed me.
Lucy dropped her fork and pouted her lower lip. “I miss her.”
Between my sleepless nights and the stress that had inundated my every moment over the past few days, I felt tears pricking at my eyes.
“Could you tell her that I miss her? Would that make her come back?”
I took a deep breath.Don’t cry. Don’t you fucking cry. This is your fault. You don’t get to cry.
“Daddy?”
A tear slid down my face.Shit.I slapped it away.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“God, no, Lucy.”
“Why are you crying?”
She’d seen. It wasn’t worth pretending she hadn’t. I was already telling her so many lies. Why gaslight her to believe her own eyes were deceiving her? “Because I’m sad, Luce.”
“Because you miss Cara, too?”
I broke down, covering my face. I needed sleep. I needed everything to be okay. I needed Lucy to be mine. And…I needed Cara. Her lightness, her positivity, the potential for a life withmore.
That all left with her. And it was my fault.
I felt Lucy’s little hands on my knee.
“I’m sorry.” I wiped my tears away quickly. “I’m sorry for getting upset, I’m just — I don’t know why I’m —”
“It’s okay to cry, Daddy.”
I looked at my little girl. Our eyes reflecting back at one another. A piece of me. The best pieces of me.
“You don’t need a reason to cry. Sometimes you just have to cry.”
I wrapped Lucy’s face in my hands and kissed her forehead. “You’re so smart.”
“No, silly, it’s just true.” She didn’t look away from my tear-stained face. Who was this brave little girl looking back at me? She was growing up so fast, but still seeing the world as big and beautiful.
Who could have taught her that but Cara?
“I miss her, Lucy. I miss her a lot.”
“Well, then we should tell her.”
I sighed. “I wish it were that easy. But I think I might have hurt her feelings.”
“Then you apologize.”
“Well, sometimes people don’t accept apologies.”
