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The ice-cold water felt almost therapeutic, running down my throat as I greedily guzzled it. Then, cradling a second glass of water, I sat on the swing.
A day of clear weather had made so many promises, and I achieved so much, but the work was bittersweet. There was no way I could take care of this place in the way it desperately needed, not on my own anyway. The best thing would be to stick to the original plan.
Sell.
When the work was done and the fields were ready, I’d call a real estate agent from the city and have them come, evaluate, and list the property for sale. I would give myself some more time here, a goodbye to the last standing memory of my mother, which wasn’t something I was prepared to let go of or knew how to.
Not. Just. Yet.
And then, there was Callum.
I’d dug myself a hole as far as he was concerned.How could I have expected to be so cruel and think he’d still come back here?
Eckhart Tolle had it right.“Where there is anger, there is pain underneath.”
The pain was crippling, an immobile monster. I didn’t know where to start with trying to get past the pain that swirled within me.
Suddenly overcome by a wave of restless energy, I sank my feet to the timber board and scattered down the steps at speed, racing to the top of the hill, seeking clarity and peace.
Even after the years that had passed, I could make the trip to the blossoming tree blindfolded and in the dark. The trail had etched itself into my memory like the feeling the tree gave me had to my heart.
With the sun now faded, the first of the stars had started their sparkling presentation in the night sky. For the first time in weeks, the sky blessed me and remained clear enough to witness its magic. There had always been something poetic and adoring about the stars and moon, the romantic union of the two together like they held their own whispered promise of possibility.
Possibility.
My eyes traveled across the expanse and darkness of the sky as I lay in the dewy grass. This was a view not so generously bestowed on any being in the city.
The light pollution and smog held a sinister cloak over the sky, hiding the gem and innocence given as a gift away from the city lights.
I hunted for shooting stars, pleading for a single one to wish upon, wishing to rewind the mess my life had unraveled itself into. Bring my mother back and the love I’d felt for the only man I’d ever wanted.
Maybe in a different life, Callum and I could’ve been happy.
Maybe my mother would spoil her grandchildren and share her flare of the peculiar, their imaginations would run wild with Grandma, and they would adore her as much I did their father.
More nights than I cared to remember, I had wondered what life could have been like if it had been lived at a different time. If there had never been a pirate or hatred, if I had been born into a loving family with two parents, but with these thoughts, the vines of guilt entwined the edges of my imagination.
My mother never gave me anything less than all she had. Wishing for a different family would also mean wishing for a different parent.
Pushing myself up on my elbows, I dropped my head back and yelled nonsense, mostly ridiculous noises at the sky. I screamed until the weight was lifted from my body, and I could flop back on the grass again as if the frustrations were released from its cage.
Closing my eyes, I imagined my mother with her grandchildren. Even if only for a fleeting moment, I would allow myself the luxury of being normal. I could see our children, the perfect mixture of mine and Callum’s features. For that one moment, there was no heartache, no resentment or confusion, and no unanswered questions.
I had no idea how long I lay there. The air had chilled, but I hadn’t wanted to return to the house. The breeze tussled my hair enough to tickle against my cheeks.
I wasn’t yet ready to return to the reality that my life had become, not when hiding up here created the perfect stage to imagine how I could have lived. The pictures in my mind danced across the sky like the perfect projection of the ideal life, one that would forever be out of reach.
I needed to find my way through the sea of what today’s existence held in store for me. I needed to get the loose ends tied in a knot, not in the noose they currently were, and I needed to find a way to forgive Callum for the past hurts and hope he could forgive me. I couldn’t leave again, knowing the anger was still festering its way inside me. Holding onto the past only tainted the future, like rust did from neglect.
* * *
I tried to sleep and failed terribly in my attempt. As the minutes crept toward daylight, the jaded tug of slumber began taunting me.
Walking around the house was another reminder of Callum and how if he weren’t going to come back, I would be left with no choice but to find someone else to finish the job.
My attempts at negotiating my choices were miserable. All I wanted to do was crawl beneath the bedcovers and pray for sleep while the other voice reasoned the fields weren’t about to turn themselves.
Through the kitchen window, I watched the lavender sprigs manipulated by the winds and waited for the kettle to boil. Coffee was in order, and it had to be strong.
