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She nodded.
“In part, I suppose.” Grabbing at the back of my neck with my free hand, I attempted to squeeze out the tension starting to knot itself there. “But more because I needed some space. Will you let me in? I think we need to have that talk.”
Alina looked past me. I watched her without a word, waiting for a sign that might give me an indication of what she could be thinking.
Her hand lifted, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. It was her tell of sorts that she was almost at the end of her thought process. I just needed to be patient a little longer, and I would have my answer.
“Callum, you never left.”
ChapterTwenty
Alina
Words. Aren’t they a funny thing? They come out sounding like one thing but could mean something different entirely.
To my house, I could let Callum in. But to my heart, he’d always been there. A splinter of remembrance of the love we’d had. Even as only teenagers, it would still be, even if unknown at the time, the greatest love of my life.
“I’m making breakfast. Can I fix you some?” I called back to him over my shoulder as I made my way inside.
I had already been awake for hours with thoughts of how I’d fix things between Callum and me, how I could forgive him for the past and have him forgive me for the present.
The sound of his voice was closer than expected, his steps falling only as loud as a field mouse, which was completely ironic for the size of man he was. Callum McArthur was in no way, other than the grace of step, a field mouse.
He placed the basket on the table before turning to face me, and leaning against it. “Can I help?” His chin jutted toward the frying pan I’d tugged free of the cluttered cupboard.
It wouldn’t be the first time we’d cooked together. We’d gotten the timing down to preparing breakfast to a fine art. Callum prepared the eggs while I cooked the bacon and toast. He’d always joked I knew how to burn the bacon to perfection.
We moved in tandem like we’d been doing it our whole lives. The feeling was bittersweet. I hadn’t wanted to ruin the moment by telling Callum I no longer ate eggs the way he’d once cooked them. It was one of the few things I had control over as far as he was concerned after I’d left. I’d tried to flush him from my system, bleach my heart of the love I’d felt, and try to forget I’d ever known him. Nothing short of a heart transplant and amnesia would’ve allowed me to forget Callum McArthur.
Callum flipped the eggs perfectly, a proud smile spreading across his lips. I had always loved the way his smile quirked up at the sides before it traveled up to his eyes. It had looked cheeky on him as a boy, but as a man, it looked downright sinful.
“I’m ready. You ready?” He spun to face me, a spatula in one hand and the frying pan in the other.
“As I’ll ever be.” Nerves overcame me, which extended to our meal, as I sat and picked at what we’d prepared.
“I owe you an apology.” Pushing the barely touched plate of food away, I captured his eyes with mine. “The things I said to you the other day, they were cruel. I am ashamed I acted like that person.”
Callum reached his hand toward me but ended up pulling it away and clenching it into a fist.
“You didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry.”
“Alina.” His emotion-filled voice traveled to me in a whisper of my name. “You don’t owe me an apology. I deserved your words. Everything you said was the truth. I hurt you, and that is unforgivable.” Callum stood and walked around to my side of the table, his eyes trained on me as he moved. Crouching beside me, he dragged my chair to face him, then took my hands in his. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself for the way I treated you, Alina. Even my reasons behind it seem such bullshit now. Darlin’, I loved you. I lied when I said I didn’t, but you need to understand why I said the words and that they were the hardest I’d ever had to say to you.”
I thought we needed clarity, that we’d needed to bare our souls to each other. But now, now that it was actually happening, it felt like the words were choking me as the tears stung my eyes.
“You broke me, Callum. You betrayed me when I needed you more than air.”
“I know. I can’t apologize for that because it would never be enough.”
I watched as my hands fidgeted and twisted into his. The touch between us felt like a fire burning. I was so frightened I would get burned that I instinctively felt the need to pull away.
To save myself once again.
“Why did you do it?” I asked.
The words came out breathless, but I needed to know no matter how much his answer could hurt me. I needed the answer to the one question that had taunted me for so long, the one question I was scared of what the answer would be.
“I thought I was protecting you.” Callum released my hands as he stood and backed away, shoving his hands through his hair out of frustration. “I thought if you left, you wouldn’t have to hear what those people were saying about you and your momma.”
