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Kyle answered Heather’s question before she had a chance to ask.
“Sometimes it isn’t easy to love you, but I’m not going to stop. Like Marcus, I’ll worry about you and I’ll miss you, but I’ll be waiting for you when you get home, too.”
“You’re mad.”
Kyle turned the television off and looked back to Heather, meeting her gaze head-on. “I’m trying to pull us closer together, and you’re pointing out you’ll be leaving for months, going to the other side of the damned planet! I’m not mad that you’re going, but it feels like you’re trying to push us away by telling us while we’re having this conversation. How long have you known about this trip?”
Heather looked at Marcus, clearly hoping he’d help, but Marcus wasn’t inclined to let her off the hook. “Your choice of timing would leave one to believe you have commitment issues, or perhaps attachment issues.” The muscles around her eyes tensed, a micro-expression that told Marcus he was treading on thin ice, so he tried to soften the impact. “Or maybe it’s neither of those things, and you’re just trying to pull away because you don’t see this relationship working longer term, so you’re avoiding anything that will make a break any harder, when it all falls apart.”
The latter was part of the definition of both attachment and commitment issues. Would she call him on it, or let it go?
* * * *
Heather started to spout something about fucking therapists, but then realized maybe they were right. She was feeling less than secure about losing her own place, and maybe shehadbrought up Everest to try to balance it out.
She dropped into a chair with a sigh. “If that’s what I was doing, I didn’t realize.” She met Kyle’s gaze, and then Marcus’s. “I apologize. Let’s make plans to move some of my things to Kyle’s next weekend. Clothes and shoes and some small accessories — enough I can stay longer periods without needing to come home.”
She looked around and then looked back to Kyle. “Should I apologize for not being ready to give up my apartment this early on? I don’t think it’s an attachment issue, but I suppose it could have something to do with stability, with having a place Iknowis mine.” She looked at Marcus. “Whether that’s adoption related? Who knows. It makes sense, that I’m not willing to give up a place I consider my own safe space, the place where all my things are. Moving in with someone else, living in someone else’s house — it doesn’t feel like roots to live in someone else’s house. I have a place of my own. It’s mine and no one can kick me out. Giving that up is going to be hard.”
Marcus went to one knee in front of her and grasped her hands in his. “We aren’t pushing you to do anything that doesn’t feel right. We’d love to have you close, but you have to want it, too. Kyle wants to spend every night with you. He hates it when he goes a couple of days without seeing you, and with your schedules, that happens too often for his liking. And I’d like to see more of you, both of you, too — but if you’re feeling pressured then we aren’t asking right, and I’m sorry about that.”
He pulled her to his feet as he stood, and wrapped his arms around her. Heather started to pull away, but she wasn’t mad at him, was she?
His arms represented safety. She wasn’t certain when it had happened, but she didn’t want to pull away. She put her arms around his waist, and he said, “If you want to move some things over next weekend, tell us in a few days. Let’s table this for now. If you want to talk about it, or ask questions about how it might work, you’ll need to bring it up.”
Was Marcus speaking for both of them? Heather turned her head so she could see Kyle. “Are you okay with dropping it? I get the feeling you have more to say.”
He shook his head. “With the two of us trying to convince you, maybe you felt a little ganged up on? If so, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel as if it’s us against you.Ever. I want you living with me, but I don’t want to fight with you to make it happen. I love you.”
His feelings were hurt, and he was more worried about her than himself. Heather felt like a heel. She wasn’t going to apologize, but no way could she demand the conversation be over just because she said it was. Kyle needed more, and a balanced relationship should consider everyone’s needs.
Heather moved to the sofa, pulling Marcus with her, and they both sat beside Kyle.
“I love you, too,” she told Kyle. “How will it work if I move in? I’ll pay half the utilities, of course. You don’t have a cleaning service now — will you mind if I pay someone to come in to handle that? I’ll warn you now that I’m not good at holding up my end of the cleaning responsibilities. I’d rather pay someone to do itallso I don’t have to feel guilty about you doing part of it while I do none.”
“Honestly, I hadn’t planned on asking you for any money at all. I can’t imagine the utilities will be that much different. I have someone who does my grocery shopping for me, so if you wanted to pay for half of something, that seems logical. I enjoy cleaning, but I’m willing to discuss having someone come in to do the things I don’t enjoy. You have someone you trust, I assume?”
Heather nodded. “She keeps this place clean, plus she takes care of my laundry — using my machines for what she can, and getting everything else back and forth to the dry cleaners. I wear it and put it in one of two bags, and the next thing I know everything is clean and back in the closet or drawers where they’re supposed to be.”
Kyle nodded and then spoke slowly, as if he was considering it as he talked instead of making his mind up first and then speaking. “I wouldn’t mind having someone handle my laundry. I want to mop and vacuum and keep the kitchen clean. And dust. Ilovedusting.” He gave an apologetic smile. “I know it’s strange, but it relaxes me. Watching the dirt go away is therapeutic.”
Heather hated cleaning, but she’d already known Kyle didn’t seem to mind. “If you let me buy the groceries and pay for the cleaning service, that’s a good start — and you and Sheila can figure out who’s doing what. She comes to my apartment twice a week, but if you’re going to handle the kitchen, we may just need her once a week.” She reconsidered that. “She’ll still need to make two trips, to pick up the dry cleaning and then to bring it back, so we may as well let her do some work both times, if there’s something that needs doing.”
“We’ll share the master bedroom, but I can clear out another room so you can use it for an office or a reading room or whatever — a space to call your own. Whatever you want to bring, furniture or knickknacks or other stuff, we’ll find a spot in the house for it. You can redecorate the Master suite, too. It’s pretty masculine, so you should choose new fabrics and wall color and whatever else you don’t like. Anything you want to do to make it feel more like your space.” He looked at Marcus and back to her. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re living in my house. I want it to be our home.”
Heather’s eyes watered and she resisted the urge to rub them. She’d assumed she’d sell her furniture. It was nice, but nothing like Kyle’s, which had probably been chosen by an interior decorator or something, because his home was gorgeously put together.
But if she could replace his downstairs den sofa with hers, and bring some of her lamps, it would help. She didn’t want to screw with the living room, or his bedroom.
Okay, maybe a different bedspread and drapes, but the wall color was fine.
“Thank you. I hadn’t expected to be able to bring furniture. We’ll figure the details out later, but that helped. This weekend, just some more clothes, and maybe some hiking and running gear.” She started to point out, again, that she had six months left on her lease, but decided saying that would undo the good she’d managed, so she stopped talking.
“I can live with that.” Kyle’s smile seemed genuine, and the fist in her gut relaxed.
“Let’s buy duplicates of our basics — toothpastes, toothbrushes, deodorant, moisturizer. If we decide at the last minute to stay overnight at Marcus’s, I’d like to manage it without having to pack.”
Marcus squeezed her hand. “The girl who cleans my house also keeps it stocked. I only need to let her know what to buy. Text me the brand names and whatever else she needs to know — but later. I’m hungry, and you still need to get ready.
