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“What the fuck was that, dude?”
I closed my eyes and grimaced at Wyatt’s damning tone. It was the same tone he used if we stepped out of line on a mission. The one that was seconds from ripping me a new asshole.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But I knew. I’d lost control back there. I’d acted like a pansy-assed motherfucker instead of a goddamn SEAL. I knew better. I’d been trained better. But being around Moira had rattled my entire foundation, and I was lucky I knew my head from my ass.
Wyatt got in my face. “Don’t give me that shit. Why couldn’t you be fucking gracious when she’s offering us a free place to stay for the night? Where’s your head accusing her like that, as if she pulled the trigger on Evan’s rifle?”
“I don’t want to stay here. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. And you know as well as I that Evan was never right after she turned down his proposal. It messed with his head.” But my reasons for needing to leave were different from what they had been initially. Because sometime during the tour, I realized a rather inconvenient truth—I wanted her.
And I wanted her in an I could hardly breathe, I was dying to touch her and see if the connection was still as potent type of way. Every part of me had come alive in her presence.
It was humbling. And fucking wrong on so many goddamn levels I didn’t know where to start. Because I lusted after Evan’s ex-girlfriend. I’d spent less than an hour in her presence and wanted to pin her against the wall and take her, pound out my frustration on her pussy.
It made me the worst goddamn best friend in the universe.
Who did something like this? Lust after his best friend’s girl. It didn’t matter that Evan was gone. It didn’t matter they hadn’t been together in years. What mattered was honoring my best friend. And that included not fucking a woman he loved enough to propose to.
“I don’t give a shit what you want. From here on out, you will be civil at the very least. If you can’t act with a modicum of respect to our gracious hostess, there’s a motel we passed on the drive in you should stay at tonight, and we’ll take it from here.”
“You’d remove me from this op?” I spun around, not believing what I was hearing. In my eighteen years in the Navy, I had never been removed from a mission. I was the levelheaded guy who was always prepared for shit to hit the fan. I was dependable as the damn sunrise.
“Fuck, yeah, I will. Unless you decide to pull your head out of your ass and do what matters. And don’t cry me a river over who wronged who. You were a dick to our hostess. Our job is not to evaluate her relationship with Evan or condemn her for past transgressions. Our job is honoring our fallen commander by doing the last thing he asked of us.”
“I know that. It’s just—” What the fuck could I say? That I was angrier with myself than I was with her. That I was struggling with unwelcome desire I had no clue how to handle. That the guilt and shame were eating me alive. I wanted to howl at the fucking moon over the unfairness. I wanted to rampage and destroy everything in my path until it assuaged my grief.
In all my years as a Frogman, I’d never had my control tested this way. And I was failing. I didn’t know what was worse, lusting after my best friend’s girl or my loss of control.
“No. What you don’t seem to get is that I don’t care about the reasons behind your behavior. I’m sure they seem valid—to you. But you’re forgetting that Evan had a girl in damn near every port. He loved women. And he went through them, falling in and out of love like he was changing his underwear. You know this. But your grief is in command and doing the talking.”
“And you’re acting like you don’t even miss him. Like we haven’t spent the last decade and a half together as a unit,” I snarled like a dog backed into a corner.
Wyatt scowled in disbelief. “Is that what you think? That I don’t miss Evan? That the day I got the call he was gone I didn’t lose my mind? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
I nodded, riding my fury. “Yeah, that’s what I think.”
“Shows just how fucked in the head you are. Thank fuck we’re not deployed right now because I would yank your ass from the mission in a heartbeat. The day we got the news, I took a baseball bat to my grill and destroyed it. The barbecue pit I used the other day was brand spanking new because I trashed the other one. You’re not seeing things clearly, Ben. If you pulled your head out of your ass long enough, you would see that. Go for a drive. Be back in an hour.”
“Excuse me.”
“That’s a fucking order,” he snapped with a deadly look in his eyes.
“You’re pulling rank on me?” The shock of it washed over me. But as I stared, I realized just how far I had pushed him. Wyatt didn’t get mad and rarely showed emotion. When he did, the man was terrifying.
“You’re the one who made me. Either do it, or I’m pulling you off this op.”
I rocked back on my heels in surprise. Wyatt would do as he threatened. He’d remove me without blinking. I’d witnessed him do it before to other guys in the squad.
Defeated. I knew I needed to find my center and regain control over my emotions. Otherwise, I’d be no good to anyone. “Fine. I’ll run to the store and pick up food for dinner.”
“Nope. James already left to go do that because we’re not going to spit on Moira’s hospitality. Go. Drive. One hour to get your head back in the game.”
“Fine.” I marched out of the house without a backward glance.
On my Harley, I peeled out of the driveway, leaving smoke in my wake. Fury drove me. I rode through town, struggling to calm down. But none of my usual tricks worked. If anything, I felt like a powder keg about to blow. All that was needed was a single spark, and I’d detonate.
I didn’t understand why one little slip of a woman had me this stirred up and unsettled. So I wanted to bang her.
Big deal.
