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“Are you sure that’s what you want?” he asked me skeptically.
“I’m positive. This is where you belong. I want you in my bed every night. I don’t want to sleep without you beside me.” I’d grown accustomed to sleeping within the shelter of his strong arms and would fight anyone like a rabid honey badger if they tried to take him away from me.
“I fucking love you so damn much.” Ben kissed me sweetly, tenderly infusing it with his love. Until I knew I’d never felt this happy and at peace in my whole life. He filled the holes in my heart and soul until I felt as if I overflowed with love.
When he lifted his mouth, I said, “I have another confession to make.”
“Another one?” He tensed, like he was worried I lied about my feelings.
“I didn’t read Evan’s letter. I lied this morning when I told you I did.” And I felt horrible about lying to him. “I don’t want any lies between us.”
He relaxed. “That’s all right. It’s okay if you don’t ever read it. You were right. Evan had no right to try and make you do it, given everything he did to you.”
“Ben, while I disagree with his methods, it’s time for me to read it. It’s up on my nightstand.” It was the last piece of the puzzle. We both had to know what Evan wrote me before we could fully move on together as a couple. It would be cleansing—for both of us.
“Are you sure you want to read it now?”
“Yeah. I do.”
Before I could rise to head up and grab it, he shifted me off his lap. “I’ll get it and bring it back down.”
He left me for a few minutes. When he returned, he held Evan’s letter. I took it from him, dragging the letter from the envelope. He lifted me back onto his lap. Once we were both settled, I read it out loud.
Dear Moira,
If you’re reading this letter, then I’m sadly no longer in the land of the living. Ha! I’ve always wanted to say that. But in all seriousness, by the time you receive this, I will be gone.
And I need to say a few things to you before I go.
I’m sorry for being such an ass. You deserved so much better from me. And I wish I could have been the guy for you. But that wasn’t in the cards for us because of me. Because I’m royally fucked up and can’t get past my own weaknesses. My inability to commit to just you and you alone was never about you.
I know I hurt you, and I’m not begging for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. But I am going to say, don’t close yourself off to the possibility of love. One day there will be a man who will see your worth and know just how priceless you are.
And even as I write this, I realize you might have already found him and he you.
Be happy, Moira. Know that, in my way, I did love you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man that you deserve.
And know too that I’m at peace with my decision. One day we’ll meet again on the other side, and you can tell me all about him.
Your friend always,
Evan Ryder
I folded the letter, tears flowing down my face. I looked at Ben. There were tears in his eyes. I knew this would be hard for him. I cupped his face. “He’s not wrong. There is a man I love who is the most deserving, loyal, amazing badass I’ve ever known.”
“Oh yeah? When do I get to meet him?” Ben teased with a lopsided grin.
“Ha! Funny guy. I think he really is at peace. I know that’s hard for you. But his suffering is over. And I forgive him because he brought you to me, and for that, I’ll be eternally grateful to him.”
“I love you,” Ben said, the wealth of his emotions naked in his eyes.
“I know.” And for the first time in my life, I felt it—love. It humbled me. I knew I could live a thousand lifetimes, and it would always be Ben for me.
And it was why, when he kissed me, pouring his love into his kiss, that I whispered a silent thank you to Evan. Because if I’d never met Evan and had our relationship fail spectacularly, then I never would have met Ben. And the thought of not having him in my life, of never knowing what it was like to be held by him, to be loved by him, was unimaginable.
The road I traveled to get here was broken and overgrown, but it led me straight to his loving arms.
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