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I sipped. “Thanks, I needed that.”
He tilted his head in acknowledgment. “Want to talk about it?”
I scrunched my face. “Not really, but I suppose I owe you an explanation.”
He caught my eyes, understanding reflected in his. “You never told him about us. I caught the gist of it.”
“Yeah.” I drank more wine. “I’m sorry. I know I should have. When we got married, it was fast and impulsive, and Nate had a lot going on in his life with a new wife and a baby on the way, so I didn’t mention it.” Part of me had longed to tell him and see if he got jealous—if there was any hint he might have feelings for me at all—but if I had confided in him and he hadn’t cared, it might have broken me. On the other hand, if he had been upset, it could have torn his family apart. I’d decided I was better to stay silent and cling to a thread of hope without ruining anyone’s life.
“After that, it became harder and harder to bring it up. How was I supposed to tell him I’d gotten married and hadn’t mentioned it? When we divorced, I figured I could just pretend it never happened.” My lips twisted. “I know that sounds awful, but I wasn’t ashamed of you. I promise.”
He poured a second glass of wine and leaned against the counter while he raised it to his lips. “I know.” His smile was wry. “You forget that I know what it’s like to love someone I can’t have.”
A beat of silence passed between us. It wasn’t awkward. Nothing between Ryan and I ever was. Despite appearances, we had too much in common to ever feel awkward with each other. He knew my deepest secret, and I knew his. That bonded us in a way little else could.
“I should have told him.” Guilt ate at me. “He deserved to know.”
He nodded. “Yeah, probably. But I won’t judge you for it. You’ll do enough of that yourself.”
I tossed back the rest of the wine, set the glass down, and bent to pat my new housemate, Duke. He pressed his head firmly into my palm and panted. Duke wasn’t as full-on as Daisy, but he was sweet and well-trained. He’d also be big and intimidating once he was grown, which might ease the permanent case of jitters I seemed to have.
“We can talk it over more if you’d like,” Ryan said.
My lips twitched. Ryan was such a talker. He liked to dissect everything. To take people apart and figure out what made them tick. Considering his career choice, that was a good thing. He never ran out of conversation with his clients.
He knelt beside me and gave Duke some love. “Talk to me, Gracie,” he urged. “We might not have married in the most conventional way, and, sure, we’re divorced now, but I’m always here to listen to you. You matter to me.”
I kissed his cheek, feeling the rasp of stubble against my lips, and wondered for the millionth time why I couldn’t have fallen in love with Ryan, or Max, oranyoneother than Nate. I supposed it was the same reason Ryan had never been in love with me and could never have loved me in that way. My heart was otherwise engaged. It simply didn’t have room for anyone else.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But let’s finish cooking dinner first. We can talk while we eat, and then I’d better head to Nate’s place to explain.”
I was not looking forward to that.
4
NATE
I rammeda gloved fist into the boxing bag hanging from my garage roof and grunted with the effort, pleased to feel the burn in my arm muscles. I swung again with my left hand, keeping my other fist up as if to shield my face from an invisible enemy. After what I’d just discovered, that seemed fitting. I’d been blindsided. Caught completely off guard. This morning, I’d been confident I knew all there was to know about Grace Smith. Now, I realized she had a whole other life separate from me.
Punch. Punch.
Why hadn’t she told me she’d been married?
Punch.
Hell, why hadn’t I been invited to the wedding?
Punch.
And, apparently, she wanted a dog. Why was this the first I was hearing of that?
Sweat rolled down my forehead and into my eyes. I blinked rapidly against the sting, my thoughts whirling. When I’d gotten married, Grace had done a reading at the ceremony. I’d have had her in the bridal party if Maddy would have allowed it, but she’d been pregnant and emotional, and the only time I’d broached the subject, she’d gotten upset, so I’d backed off. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have enough brothers to be groomsmen. The point was, Grace had been there. She’d been involved. Why would she keep a wedding from me? Was she ashamed? Or had I been so wrapped up in my own drama that I’d made her think she couldn’t come to me about it?
Whatever the case, I didn’t like it. A soft voice in the back of my mind whispered that it didn’t matter why she hadn’t told me. I should have noticed. Even if it had happened while she’d been living in Auckland, studying toward her master’s degree in creative writing, I should have been aware of something so enormous shifting in her life. But I hadn’t. I’d failed her.
Fuck.
I gritted my teeth and threw another punch, the ripple of impact through my muscles grounding me in the present. But shit, whether my mind was in the past or present, I knew the truth. I’d been a crap friend to Grace. She hadn’t felt like she could turn to me, and that wasn’t good enough. I should always be there for Grace to lean on. If she’d been holding that back, what else might she have been keeping from me?
