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I swatted at him as I started the process of unloading more boxes and waiting while Chance went inside, only for him to return, looking like he’d had another make-out session with his husband. All I could do was shake my head. I kept watching Cass and Boss talking from the corner of my eye. He was tall and lean, had a habit of tucking his hair behind his ear, and was expressive when he spoke. I didn’t focus on the conversation on the off-chance it was private.
When my husband had left, I’d assumed Loren had broken a part of me as if I hadn’t been a good enough Daddy. That thought had grown because he’d never explained why I’d failed him. I understood people who grew apart, but usually, there were signs. I’d doted on him. Planned special days for just my boy and me where we turned off our phones and just spent time together without outside interference.
I pushed the thoughts away because I knew I’d done my best. I’d loved and protected him until the day I arrived home to the divorce papers on the kitchen table, along with his wedding ring. Out of every aspect of my life, I’d felt the most confident and sure as a Daddy. That part of me felt ruined, but I knew that was just my lingering pain at not knowing what I’d done wrong.
“What else do you need me to move?” I asked as Chance took the last load inside, and I approached Boss.
“Don’t ask that. We can always find something.”
“Boss, I have an appointment in a few minutes. It was nice meeting you, Wyatt.”
“You, too, honey. I hope to see you again soon.”
He stuttered out a bye and practically ran for it. Could the man get any more adorable? If he did, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.
“You’re not subtle in the least.”
“I don’t think I was trying to be.” I smirked at Boss, and the older man shook his head at me. “Is he single?”
“I think that’s a story you’ll need to get from him. I’m not going to make it easy for you. Daddies need to be brought down a peg or two on occasion.”
“Ouch, Boss, is this payback for all the times I arrested you? I kinda think you enjoyed the handcuffs.”
“Let me tell my husband that one.”
“Don’t. Out of everyone, I think Dolan would try to take my head off or sic his K-nine on me.”
He laughed loudly. “I think he would. My husband is a bit obsessed with me.” His expression grew serious. “Are you doing okay after your divorce?”
“What am I supposed to say? Some days are better than others, but I think I’m okay more often than not. Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure, I’m great at keeping them.”
“I miss my husband, but I miss my boy more. Being a Daddy gave me purpose outside the stress of work. Someone I could care for and focus on. I could forget about the bad shit. It’s kinda like missing a piece of yourself, ya know?”
“I do. Felt it when Juan died. He was my Master. I was lost without him. Like I’ve told people before, it’s like being so trained to a leash that when the person holding it is gone, you still don’t think you’re allowed to move. I’m all for mourning a partner, but there comes a time when ignoring a fundamental part of who you are kills pieces of you. Eventually, you have to move on. But I can’t tell you when it’s time, that’s for you to decide.” He paused and smiled sadly up at me. “Let’s go set up the group therapy rooms for tonight with chairs and tables and move in the massive coffee urns. The amount of caffeine they require is scary.”
I nodded and brushed my hands off on my jeans and followed behind Boss. Taking a moment to think over what he’d said. I had shut myself off. When I wasn’t at work, I was at home trying to exist in the house I’d shared with Loren for twenty-two years, twenty of those as husbands. It was like learning to live again. Eating over my sink when I actually had an appetite. Trying to ignore the fact I was lonely. I actually felt guilty on the occasion that I didn’t miss Loren. I’d missed what he was to me. Husband and lover, my boy. The dynamic was what I craved, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to move on.
As the thought entered my head, the beautiful Cass filled my head. I hadn’t had that reaction to a man in I didn’t know how long, and it was intoxicating. All my natural instincts to care for and to comfort, to love on, the things that I believed made me me. That’s what I’d lost in the divorce—the man I was. A childhood of abuse and pain, the way I’d learned that no matter how loud I screamed, no one was coming to save me. That had turned me into an angry teen and early twenty-something. I’d sworn I’d be a different man. I’d never hurt the ones I claimed to love.
“Hey, why don’t you stay and have dinner with us tonight instead of going home?”
His question broke into my thoughts, and my first instinct was to make an excuse with another engagement, but I bit it back. It was time to move forward, whatever that meant. “Sure. It’ll save me from another frozen dinner over my sink.”
“Oh, man, you turned into the stereotype. That’s so sad.”
“Ha, ha, ha, you’re hilarious. It’s just easier when I drag my ass home in the middle of the night before I go to bed and get up at six AM just to start all over again.”
“That’s not good for you. A man of your age.”
“No, I’m younger than you, so don’t pull that bullshit with me.”
“I have a sexy Daddy to keep me young. You have frozen dinners and probably a recliner you fall asleep in.”
“I actually make it to bed.”
“Uh-huh, lie all you want, old man.” He handed me a stack of chairs and told me to get to work, and we set up small circles of chairs in some rooms and others in several rows, depending on the group. Schedules were posted on the door of each room.
