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Laying down on what I’d begun to think of as my side, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to think. Emotion clogged my throat. I desperately beat it back.
His face. His voice. His eyes.
Lost. Bleak. Grieving.
Tears slipped past my temples.
My nose clogged.
An ugly sob burst from my throat.
“Ares,” I whispered. “Please, please, please, come back to me. Visit your grandparents,” I sobbed. “But then come back to me.”
Rolling over, I grabbed his pillow and hugged it to my chest, rocking back and forth on my side until blessed exhaustion pulled me under.
In the morning, I woke with swollen eyes, the skin on my face tight with dried saline. In the shower, I lost more time. Only when the water cooled did I get out, my body wracked with shivers.
My eyes stung.
A-fucking-gain.
I pushed the heels of palms into the offensive orbs.
Why didn’t he want to see me today?
Shouldn’t he want to see me today?
I pulled on my rattiest sweatpants, the remembrance of the last time I wore them wringing both pain and pleasure from my heart.
Was it only a handful of weeks ago?
I closed my eyes and filled my lungs.
My sugar binge wasn’t doing me or my stomach any favors. Coffee probably wasn’t the best choice for breakfast, but the familiar ritual was a comfort even if I couldn’t drink all of it.
And I needed comfort.
I sat at the kitchen table, opened my laptop, and determined to think positively. Somewhere in the virtual world, a more suitable, aka boring, job offer awaited me. After three long hours, I had a short list of possibilities, a much shorter list of companies that interested me, and a non-existent surplus of hope.
An email notification popped up on my screen.
Victoria?
My stomach tightened with foreboding.
I opened it and scanned it quickly.
The start of a new year… before we start booking …. It’s a good time to make a change … less upheaval for everyone… we put it to a vote… practically unanimous… can’t function as a team with your schedule the way it is …
I stared into space. Was this happening? This group had been my baby for almost ten years. I worked hard to establish our reputation. I handled all the admin, all the paperwork, and they were trying to take it away from me.
No. My eyes narrowed suspiciously. Victoria was trying to take it away from me. I needed to contact the girls myself. Over the years I’d learned which women could not be trusted, and Victoria was most definitely one of them.
I sent emails to the three girls who had been with me the longest. Longer than Victoria. By the time I clicked send on the third email, the first response arrived.
I’m really sorry, Hope. I appreciate everything you did, but I don’t think we can function around your schedule. Victoria has a plan for the team and while I will really miss you, I think we need stronger leadership.
I sat dumbfounded.
