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When Slash came out of his fever, I thought he was coming back to me. I was so wrong.
As Slash’s physical wounds start to heal, a new kind of distance forms between us, and I notice with increasing dread how distant he’s becoming. His eyes have lost their warmth when they meet mine, his laughter is scarce, and his hand doesn’t reach out for mine as it used to. He’s polite, grateful for my help, but the closeness we once shared seems to have disappeared.
The man who just the other day held me so tenderly and fiercely now seems to be doing his best to push me away. I know that he’s been through so much, that his emotional walls are his way of coping with the pain and trauma, but I can’t help but worry about what this means for us. My heart breaks every time he refuses to meet my eyes.
At first, I attribute it to his recovery. Pain can make a person closed off, distant. But as the days pass, the emotional distance between us remains. It’s as if a wall has been erected between us, and I don’t know how to tear it down.
I try to bridge the gap. I talk to him, bring him his favorite food, try to tell him all the things I want to do with him when he’s recovered, but he evades, diverts, or keeps his responses minimal. It’s like trying to hold a conversation with a ghost of the man I fell in love with.
His distance awakens a whirlwind of insecurities within me. I find myself questioning my place in his life. Is it because I’m just a small-town girl, inexperienced and naive? Is he regretting involving me in his dangerous world, seeing me as a liability rather than a partner? The thoughts plague me, making me doubt everything about us.
I find myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, scrutinizing every inch of myself. Would he prefer a tougher girl, someone more accustomed to his world, his lifestyle? Am I too soft, too innocent for a man like him? We’ve known each other only a few weeks, but it felt so real. We just fit together so seamlessly that I’d convinced myself we were building something solid.
As Slash sleeps, his chest rising and falling with each shallow breath, I sit and watch him, and my heart aches with the weight of my own insecurities.
We’ve faced so much together in such a short time—more than most couples face in a lifetime. Shouldn’t that have pulled us closer together? I hate feeling this way, but I can’t seem to shake the dark cloud of doubt that’s settled over my heart. And he’s left me completely alone with it. I still spend every day at his side, but most of the time, it’s like he’s not even there. When we’re watching Netflix or reading together or playing cards, it’s easy. Our hands find one another, and we pass the hours in comfortable silence. But when there are no distractions, the conversations are halting and shallow. It’s gutting me.
I know that I’m not the same person I was when we first met, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s what’s driving him away. Have I changed too much, or not enough?
Despite the doubts, the insecurities, I still cling to hope. Hope that he’s just having a hard time dealing with his injuries, his guilt, that he’ll come around. Hope that he still wants me as much as I want him. Because, despite everything, I’m in love with him. And the thought of losing him terrifies me more than anything else.
* * *
One evening, after days of silence and tension, Slash finally opens up. His voice is a low, gravelly whisper, filled with a sorrow that makes my heart clench.
“Sadie,” he begins, his gaze focused on the worn-out motel carpet, “I can’t be with you.”
The words knock the wind out of me. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for this moment, but now that it’s here, it’s still a vicious blow. I feel my throat tighten, my eyes welling up with tears, but I force myself to remain composed. I need to hear him out.
“Why?” I manage to choke out, my voice barely a whisper.
His eyes finally meet mine, and I see a depth of pain and regret that makes me flinch. “Because of me, you’re a killer now,” he says. “Because of me, your life was in danger. Maybe it still is. I... I’ve already ruined you, Sadie. I can’t let it go any further.”
His words are a slap, harsh and unyielding, but the truth behind them is even harsher. I killed a man. My lifewasin danger. All because of our association, our involvement. And while I don’t regret my actions, I realize that Slash sees this differently. He sees himself as the cause of my transformation, my ‘ruin,’ and it’s tearing him apart.
* * *
Days after our conversation, the news that the Reapers MC are leaving Packwood hits me. They start packing up, tying up loose ends, saying their goodbyes to me. I watch them, a hollow feeling gnawing at my insides as they prepare to leave the town—leave me.
The once lively Reapers’ wing of the motel now feels like a ghost town, the laughter and camaraderie replaced with a heavy silence. I watch as Slash moves around, his movements efficient and detached, his face a stoic mask. He seems ready to leave, to move on. And it breaks my fucking heart.
* * *
The day of the MC’s departure arrives, and it feels like a heavy weight pressing down on my chest. As I watch Slash and the MC members load up their bikes, I can’t help but feel abandoned and rejected. Despite everything we’ve been through, he’s choosing to distance himself from me and move on with his life, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart. He can tell me all he wants that he’s doing it to protect me, but all he’s really doing is throwing me away.
I try to put on a brave face, but the pain is too much to bear, and I find myself fighting back tears as I say goodbye him. As they ride off into the distance, I’m left standing in the dust, trying to come to terms with the harsh reality that my relationship with Slash won’t have the fairytale ending I had hoped for.
As the days pass, I do my best to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. But the memories of Slash and our time together are always lingering in the back of my mind, a constant reminder of what I’ve lost. I try to focus on the positives, reminding myself that I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to define her worth. But the ache in my heart refuses to fade, leaving me to wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to let go of the love I felt for Slash.
In the quiet moments, when the world around me fades away, I can’t help but wonder what could have been if things had been different. If Slash had been able to open up to me and let me into his heart, would we have been able to build a life together? Or was our split-second love destined to end in heartache?
CHAPTER15
Slash
As the MCand I return home, there’s a growing emptiness inside me. The more distance we put between us and Packwood, the more it feels like I’m leaving a part of myself behind with Sadie. I can’t shake the image of her face as we rode away, the hurt in her eyes slicing through me like a blade.
I keep telling myself that I made the right decision, that it’s better for Sadie if I keep my distance. She doesn’t need someone like me in her life, someone who brings danger and violence wherever he goes. But despite my rationalizations, I hate myself for making her believe I don’t love her. Because I do. God, I love her more than I ever thought possible.
