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The line goes dead, and my lungs empty so I have to heave to fill them again.
With tears in my eyes, and a brutal need to bring my fists up and scrub them clean, I glance over my shoulder and peek at Viv. My best friend. The closest person I have to a sister. “He’s in pain. And he’s refusing to let anyone baby him back to health.”
“Honey.” She turns my stool and wraps me up in a crushing hug that temporarily binds my heart, keeping it from shattering into a million pieces. “He’s Axel. We know he loves you back.”
I press my face to her chest and cry, when typically, I don’t allow myself to crack.
He’s not wrong about the worrying thing. I’m gonna lose my mind with fear every day for as long as he’s a firefighter.
But him pretending he doesn’t love me back isn’t going to change that.
The fear I feel is already hard-wired into my soul.
“It hurts so much that I’m not the person they call when he’s hurt,” I whimper against Viv’s chest. “I’m not even an afterthought. I’m just… no one.”
“I know, honey.” She presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head. “I know it sucks. But his sister is his next of kin. That’s just the way it is.”
“Still hurts.” Pulling back, I reach up and wipe the mess from beneath my nose.
I’ve had my moment. I’ve cried. Now it’s time to get back up.
“Someday,” I tell her, “I’m gonna be the person they call. I’m gonna be the one they all know needs to hear first.” Pushing off the stool so my feet vibrate against the floor and ring with pins and needles, I turn back to the counter and grab my phone. “I’m going out.”
“Where?” Viv steps back to give me room, but a frown of disapproval slides across her brow. “Where the hell are you going?”
“To Axel.” I start across our apartment and snatch up my keys from the bowl by the front door. Then I turn back and smile. “But you knew that already.”
A soft laugh rolls along her chest. “Of course you are.” Standing in soft, fuzzy pyjama pants spotted with little pink bunnies, she links her fingers and winks when our eyes meet. “Tell him I say hey, okay?”
“Yep.”
I don’t want to waste time. If I take too long, I’ll get there after he’s already fallen asleep, so I spin on my heels and charge through the door, and at a run, I make my way downstairs and to my car.
I cross town with the radio playing softly and my thumb tapping the steering wheel to the beat.
I’m not nervous, the way others might be when approaching the guy who constantly, consistently, rejects them.
We’ve done this a thousand times before, too.
I pull up a few houses from Axel’s place and slide out of my car. Then, because I catch sight of Nicole’s beat-up, crappy ride, I dash across Axel’s lawn, tucking my phone and keys into my pockets. With my hands free, I grab hold of the trellis of ivy that climbs the front of Axel’s home, and consider briefly that, someday, someone is bound to call the cops on me.
But not today. Especially not tonight.
I make my climb, the way I have so many times in the past, and when I emerge, I catch sight of Axel lying on his bed, on top of the covers, with his back and shoulders propped up on the headboard, and his feet crossed at the ankles.
The lights are out, draping the room in darkness, but a television drones and illuminates his strong body laid out along his bed.
He doesn’t move, but his eyes flitter across and meet mine through the glass.
He doesn’t tell me to leave. He doesn’t invite me in. He merely watches. Waits. Torments himself with what he wants versus what he’ll allow us to have.
Sadly, the two are never the same.
Jimmying the window open, I push it up high enough to climb through.
“Hey.” I set my feet on his floor and turn back to close the window in silence. The hinges remain squeak-free. The heavy glass moving into place with a practiced slide.
Finally, peeling one shoe off, then the second, I twist in his direction and undress as I walk. My socks next. Then I push my jeans down until Axel’s eyes lock onto my thighs, exposed but for the boy-leg underwear covering my most private areas. Finally, I pull my shirt up, the fabric catching on my hair, and Axel’s eyes warm the skin of my belly.
