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“Oh my god.” She shakes my hands free and sets her elbows on her desk. “You’re a monster. You have questionable taste in men, and you’ve seen my brother’s penis.” Her entire body quivers from disgust. “Ugh! Gross.”
Hannah
THIS ISN’T HOW IT SHOULD FEEL
“Hi, Mom and Dad.” I walk the length of my bed, one hand on my hip and the other wrapped around my phone while I speak to their voicemail. Again. Like always.
“Look, I’m gonna be really honest with you, okay?” I peek toward my open laptop on my bed. To the date on the screen, and the day next to that: Thursday. “I’m mad you flaked on Nic’s party. I’m mad you won’t return my calls.” I glance up at the ceiling and sigh. “I’m mad you’re not who I need. I mean, why’d you even have a kid if you were dying to escape me the second you could? Why were you visiting town, and didn’t even stop in to see me?”
“Hannah?” Viv’s gentle voice comes from the other side of my bedroom door. “You there?”
“On the phone,” I call out. “Just a sec.”
I bring my attention back to my parents. “I don’t know what’s happening in your minds. I don’t know what your plan is. If you’re never coming back, that’s fine. It’s your life, your choice. But a little communication and respect could go a long way. I looked like a dick in front of my friends, especially as those postcards were getting closer. We thought you were coming, but the night ended, and… nothing. You ghosted. You disrespected me, my friends, my colleagues…”
I draw a deep breath and lift my shoulders in a shrug. “I’m not even sure why I’m calling. I’ve left a hundred voicemails these last few months, and you haven’t responded to any of them. Maybe this is goodbye,” I admit sadly. “Maybe you said that forever ago, and I’m only just catching on now.”
Impatient, Viv opens my bedroom door, but stops against the frame and watches me with pity in her gaze.
“I’ll always be around.” I turn my back and lower my voice, since I don’t get off on being vulnerable. “My number isn’t likely to change, so if you ever get the urge to parent, you know where to find me. But I’m gonna chill out on reaching out for a while. It messes with my self-worth, and I’m done questioning that.”
I pause for a beat and feel the heavy swell of my pulse in my throat. “I may or may not see you around.” I lick my dry bottom lip. “I may or may not talk to you again. But either way, I’m trying not to hold a grudge, and I wish you happiness, just as I assume you wish for me in return. I love you.”
Pulling the phone from my ear, my brows tight in a frown, I end my call and read a slew of unread texts. Some from Viv I’ve yet to get to. Some from Raul.
My eyes stop on Axel’s name, and when I open the thread, I find a dozen stupid pictures unlike anything he’s ever sent before.
He has never shared with me what his life is like inside the firehouse. No fun work stories. No talks of a hard day. As though he could separate it and me completely.
Today, I get photographs of him and his crew.
The team standing in a line, their turnout pants on, but their abdomens on display.
They’re comparing muscles, and though my eyes go to Axel first, I’m not blind to the others. Nixon’s solid square frame. And Ruiz’s deep V leading into his pants. Even a woman firefighter, laughing because her stomach is washboard ridged and holds its own in competition against the rest.
I get pictures of Axel in the truck.
Another of Nixon flipping a massive tractor tire.
He’s showing me his world, the inner workings of a firehouse, and all with a smile.
Then I catch aerial images. A bird’s eye view of a forest fire—footage he obviously took while away.
But as I’m scrolling, my phone vibrates with a text from Raul, so I jump to that conversation and read what he’s already sent.
Raul: Gina and I were thinking of hosting a barbecue at my place tonight. Wanna come?
Raul: She’s inviting her brother. So if you’re interested in an intro…
Raul: You okay? You’ve been quiet.
I know he worries, and I know he wants to see me more, since we’ve been so busy at the shop lately, but I have no desire to meet Gina’s brother. I haven’t even officially met the woman herself, but I especially don’t need someone else’s brother in my life.
My hands are full with the one I have.
So I type a fast reply, my fingers flying across the screen, while I rudely make Viv wait.
I’m staying in tonight. I’m tired as hell and have too much to do tomorrow. And I’m pouting about my parents’ flakiness. But let’s hang on the weekend, when I’m in a better headspace.
