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“They told me months ago that they are still single because women didn’t care for their hours. Or the fear of their jobs. One of them said it takes a special kind of woman to bring that into their life.”
“They aren’t wrong,” he said.
“I want you to know I’m that special kind of woman for you.”
His shoulders dropped. “Damn you.” His hand went out for her to grab it and he tugged her back over so she was on his lap. “I don’t want to let you in, but you are making it hard.”
She was going to tell herself to not be hurt over those words. Sometimes you had to climb high mountains to see the beautiful waterfalls on the other side.
“Grandma Jane told me to go after what makes me happy. That’s you. So I’m going after you and want you to know it. I think I’ve been pretty clear all along though.”
“You have been. The truth is, Heather, my past is just that. It sucks and I don’t always want to remember it.”
“But it’s always going to be there whether you want to remember it or not.”
“You’re not wrong. I’m not going to tell you everything. You don’t need to know. My mother was a whore and drug addict. Probably still is. You can figure out how she got her money to put food on the table or her next fix. It’s not a fun life, neither were the men she might have shacked up with when she wasn’t turning tricks.”
Okay then. She hadn’t been expecting to hear that. “That couldn’t have been easy for a kid.”
“No. And no reason to say things I went through. It’s not happening now and when I got bigger it didn’t happen again.”
“Were you abused?” she asked. “Sorry, you don’t need to answer that.”
“Not sexually, if that is what you’re asking. No. I’d probably be in jail for murder had that happened to me.”
There was a look in his eyes that told her the truth about that statement. She wasn’t going to let it make her cold though. She didn’t live his life and she didn’t know if she could have survived it either.
“But you were physically and verbally abused?”
He smirked at her. “Heather. Every word directed at me from when I could understand the English language was a form of verbal abuse. There was no loving neighbor or teacher or landlord or anyone that took me under their wing. I want you to know that. I’ve never experienced it in my life. Not witnessing things I did in the service either, when men I knew had wives and girlfriends. But even then, I wasn’t let in that much to anyone’s life. I’ve been a loner. I saw bits and pieces of a different world, but it wasn’t part of my emotional world.”
Her heart broke hearing those words.
No, he wasn’t ready to hear her love for him because he didn’t even know what love was.
She was going to teach him though, but she knew he had so much to give and didn’t even realize it.
“You see it now with Zane. You know you love him.”
“Yeah. I guess. It’s not the same thing though. He knows more about me than anyone else, but not even close to it all.”
“Does he know what you just told me?”
“Not phrased like that. He knew where I came from. He’s put it together over the years, but nothing more.”
Then she’d feel honored he’d shared what he had.
“What about your father? Was he around or did you know him? Or where is he the last you knew?”
“He’s in prison the last I knew. Probably still there and I haven’t checked because I don’t care. When my mother was in trouble with the law, I was with him. He liked to get physical too. When he went away for armed robbery and a slew of other charges, I was glad to not see him again.”
He wasn’t kidding when he said he had no one. “Where did you go then if your mother was in trouble? I’m going to assume you mean she’d been arrested at times.”
“Arrested and served time in jail too. Then I was in foster care. She’d get out, I’d go back. It wasn’t a fun cycle. She’d want me back so she could get the money.”
Heather was assuming he meant public assistance but didn’t ask. He’d said more than she expected him to.
“Thank you for telling me what you did,” she said.
