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After allI’ddone…
And I remember now, all the planning, the little acts of sentimentality—I instigated those not from love, but from desperation. Husband meant home. Home meant family. Family meant stability; the opposite of the ragtag, chaotic existence that left me scarred.
But there was something missing and now it’s hitting me like a freight train. I never felt with Jack like I feel with Tandy. I pantomimed pleasure with him, faking both my desire and orgasms. I was trying to be a good girl, a goodstraightgirl. I’m not straight. Straight girls don’t have crushes on their best female friends. Straight girls don’t soak their panties when beautiful women kiss them in the flower shops.
Jack knew—maybe not that I was gay—but he certainly knew I wasn’t into him, no matter how much I willed it to be that way. When I think back on how the break-up made me feel, I remember not missing him, but missing the sense of being his. Without knowing it, I’d internalized the shame my father made me feel.
What I had with Jack wasn’t real, and he wasn’t the villain. I was. Not intentionally, but intuitively he knew what I now realize. Marriage was a vehicle to the normalcy I thought I wanted. Cutting me free was an act of mercy. Maybe if Jack had been less of a coward, he could have told me what I’ve finally discovered on my own, but communication was never his strong point.
I hear a knock at the door. I look up to see it’s already six o’clock. Fuck. I’d meant to tidy up before Tandy got here. I hurriedly stuff everything back in the trunk, stand, and smooth my hands down the front of my pink dress before running to throw open the door.
I can’t contain my happiness. “Hi,”
“Hi yourself.” Tandy shoots me that lazy smile that gives me butterflies. She holds up a bag. “When we were talking the other night, you mentioned that you like Chinese food, so I figured…”
“You didn’t have to do that. I bought cookies.”
She laughs. “Eventually I’m going to teach you that dessert comes after dinner, young lady.”
Sweet Jesus.
In the kitchen I set the table as Tandy begins to pull cartons and trays out of the bag. She’s brought enough to feed a small army.
“You got soda or tea or something?” Before I can stop her, she opens the fridge and falls silent as she looks inside. “Bliss, your fridge is almost empty.”
“Yeah… I need to get to the store.” I move to pick up the pitcher of tea I made and shut the fridge. Tandy frowns and when I turn to put the tea pitcher on the table, she opens my cabinet. It’s even more pathetic. There are two boxes of macaroni and cheese mix – the kind with bright orange cheese powder – a box of stale saltines, and what remains of a 36-pack of Ramen noodles.
“Tandy,” I say. She shuts the cabinet and turns to me.
“One jar of pasta sauce in the fridge. I guess that goes with the Ramen noodles in the cabinet?”
“It gets kind of lean here before payday.” I pause. “I’ve asked for a raise. And it’s just the grocery budget that’s an issue. I’m doing okay aside from that.”
The last part is a lie. I’m behind on all my bills, but it’s too embarrassing to admit that my bank account is nearly as bare as my cupboards.
She pulls the chair out from the table. “Have a seat. Tonight, you’re going to have a good meal.”
“And cookies afterwards,” I say, but she doesn’t smile.
“I appreciate that you bought them, but you shouldn’t have if you didn’t have anything more than what you have to eat. What if I hadn’t showed up with food?”
“I…I…” Tears prick the back of my eyes. “Shit.” I put my hands over my face. I’m so embarrassed. “You think I’m a fuck-up.”
She sighs and walks over to kneel by my chair. “No. I don’t. I don’t think that at all. Everybody has lean times.” She reaches up and wipes away the tear that’s trailing down my cheek. “But it’s given me ideas for where I’ll be taking you on our date tonight.”
“What?”
“That’s right. We’re going on another date, but not until you eat everything on your plate.”
Tandy doesn’t let me dish up my own food. She does it for me. There’s expensive sushi and rice and several dishes for me to sample, as well as egg rolls and the biggest rangoons I’ve ever seen. My mind flashes back to Jack. He liked that I was thin, and it made me self-conscious about eating. With Tandy it’s different. As soon as I finish something she heaps on another serving. By the time we’re finished, I’m stuffed.
“God, I just want to lay on the sofa like a slug,” I say. I’m so full I don’t even want the cookies.
“You can walk it off,” she says as she puts the leftover food in the fridge. “Come on.”
“Where?”
“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
