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“How would you feel if you knew I’d been less than forthcoming with Derek when I applied for this position, that I’d hidden something from my past from him? From all of you?”
“Well, that would depend.” Cord’s tone was measured, guarded. “Is it something that would have excluded you from the position, like a criminal record? Although with the background check this place does, you’d have to be some kind of mastermind to hide anything like that.”
Alastair shook his head. “No, nothing criminal. I promise you. I’m a dreadful bore. Not even a parking ticket…” He looked at his shoes, patent leather loafers with tassels and fashionable pointy toes. Italian and expensive. Classic. They were the first item he bought for himself after top surgery. “It goes further back than that, I’m afraid.” He summoned the nerve to look up at Cord. “I’ll be as direct as I can. I wasn’t always Alastair. I was born Alice.”
“You’re kidding,” Cord said, and Alastair took some satisfaction in knowing that he obviously made such a convincing man that this news caught a learned man like Cord off guard.
“No,” he said and began to open up about his childhood, his struggles with gender dysphoria, the painful break with his parents, and his hormone therapy and transition. Cord did not interrupt but in usual fashion, made a comfortable space for Alastair to tell his story.
“I’ve always been Alastair in here.” He put his hand to his chest. “Living as my authentic self has made me happier than you can imagine; the only thing that would make me happier would be to become a Daddy to my own Little girl, but I know the women who come here have expectations about what a Daddy is. I think everything would be fine until things got physical.” He sighed. “I opted not to have bottom surgery, Cord.”
“I know not every transgender man does,” Cord replied. “But I have a question for you. Why do you think Derek would have cared that you were transgender?”
“That’s where my own hang-ups come in,” Alastair confided. “When I told my parents, I didn’t expect them to jump for joy, but I did expect them to accept me as I was. They didn’t; in fact, their reaction was… extreme. I understood their distress at losing their daughter and all the expectations that came with it, but their reasons… it came down to embarrassment, you see. They were quite worried about what their friends would think. In the end, I cut ties with them over it. When I came here, I intended to tell Derek, I truly did. But I wanted the job so much, so I decided I’d tell him after my probationary period when I’d proven myself as a good teacher. But then the fears resurfaced. Some of the Bigs are politically conservative. How would they react? The more I thought about the potential fallout, the harder it seemed to come forward. So here I am.”
Alastair took a sip of his wine. “What should I do, Cord?”
“You’re an excellent teacher, Alastair. The Bigs like you and if what I hear from Bobbi is true, half the Littles have a massive crush on you. I do think you should talk to Derek, not because you don’t have a right to privacy, but because Rawhide Ranch is a family, and I think you are seeking the familial acceptance of who you are. Whether Derek thinks this is something that should be shared with the Bigs and Littles here? That’s going to be a discussion you need to have with him.”
“Yeah,” Alastair swirled his wine absently.
“I can tell you it makes no difference to me, Alastair,” Cord continued. “In fact, I think it’s damn inspirational that you worked so hard to be true to yourself. That couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t. But it was worth it. You’re right, though. I’m seeking something. Healing, I guess. Also, I hate hiding. I fly to New York to see my doctor and get the hormones I take. The last time I went, I told Derek and Sadie I was going to see a Broadway play. When I got back, they asked me which one I saw, and I just stammered and saidCats.”
Cord burst out laughing. “God, it’s a good thing you are better at speaking your truth than lying.Catswent off Broadway when? Ten years ago?”
Alastair laughed. “Try twenty.”
“Derek didn’t say anything, but Sadie gave me a weird look. I think she knew I was lying but didn’t press the issue. I’m glad she didn’t. I felt bad about lying, but this feels like a lie of omission, you know?”
“I do,” Cord said. “I think you’ll feel better if you tell Derek the truth. And I know it’s not going to make any difference to him. Rawhide Ranch is all about inclusion and you really have helped a lot of students. Speaking of which, I actually have a favor to ask you.”
“Ask away,” Alastair said, pouring himself some more wine and leaning over to add more to Cord’s glass.
“There’s a new Little here. Her name’s Dora Allard.”
“I recognize that name,” Alastair said. “Derek wants to put her in my class.”
“There’s been a change in plans. Dora has decided she wants to start out as a service submissive. Without going into too many details, I don’t think she’s comfortable having everything given to her.”
“She feels unworthy?”
“Yes. But you didn’t hear it from me. Anyway, she’s very smart, very organized. Last week you told me you needed an assistant. How would you feel about having Dora help out in the classroom? I know teacher’s assistant is outside the duties of most service subs, but I can’t imagine that it will be a problem.”
“That would be wonderful. I would love to have someone do paperwork, take disciplinary slips to the office, copy papers. I have a disproportionate number of brats this year who are forever waiting for me to leave the classroom so they can do something ridiculous.”
Cord chuckled. “Let me guess. It gives you flashbacks to Bobbi.”
“Let’s just say your Little is the standard by which all brats should be judged. I will never forget her asking me what kind of monster spanks a ladybug. There she was in her little costume, so indignant and yet so completely wrong.” Both men laughed at the memory.
“Good lord,” Alastair said, dabbing his eyes. “Please tell me that this Dora is not a brat.”
“Not at all,” Cord said. “Dora is absolutely guileless. But without going into too much detail, she’s been wounded and tends to perceive criticism where there isn’t any. She was teased about her weight all her life and is especially sensitive about it.”
Alastair nodded. “And how does she feel about structure? If she’s my assistant, she’ll be subject to the same expectations of performance, punctuality, and respect as the students.”
“As she should be, Alastair. I don’t think a submissive comes to this Ranch without a desire for limits, but authority has not always been kind to Dora. She’s starved for boundaries, I think, so long as they come from a place of caring.”
