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“You still think it was a mistake.” She isn’t asking. She knows that I do. Luna is looking up at me, there’s only a small space between us. Those bright eyes are shiny from crying, and her crazy hair frames her face. It’s hard to call what I feel a mistake, because it doesn’t want to go away. I close the space between us with a single step. Luna gasps a soft breath.
Tipping her chin up with my finger so I can look into her eyes, I say, “Not all of it.” Before I kiss those sweet soft lips. It’s just a kiss, a moment where we touch, but it shoots sparks of red-hot electricity through my entire body. If I don’t pull away now, I won’t be able to stop myself. My hand cups her soft cheek, and I can taste the salt of her tears when my tongue touches hers. Luna puts her hand on my chest, right where my heart is racing. There’s a second where I want to pull her into me, to let her wrap herself around me, and never let go—but I stop for a second to breathe. When I do, I breathe in her scent, it drives me crazy.
This isn’t right. I want her so badly. The sexual desire she ignites in me is dangerous. I don’t want her to have a regret. Doing this now, I think she might. We are both emotional and not thinking straight—not like last night, where I was drunk, horny, and completely besotted with her. Now I am just besotted, and she is standing in front of me, expectation in her eyes as her fingers touch her lips where I just kissed her again.
“Not all of it?” she whispers, wanting to know what I mean, but I have no words to explain how I feel so I say nothing at all. I step back, and Athena pushes between us, jealously. She growls when Luna tries to stop me from moving away. “Spencer?” The interruption is enough to give me clarity, and I know I have to get out of there. If I don’t, I am going to end up in her bed.
“I can’t, Luna, we can’t.” I shake my head, and move further away, “I just wanted to explain, to say I am sorry. I was an asshole.” It’s hard to see her and not want her now that I have had her.
“WAS??” She raises her voice but it comes out like she is yelling while whispering. “You are an asshole, Spencer, but I forgive you because I knew that from the start.” She closes the door between us, leaving me and the dog in the hallway. Athena wags her tail like she won and does donuts around me, wanting to go to bed.
“You really got in the way there,” I say to her as she walks with me back to my room. “I was about to do something stupid. Again.” Athena tilts her head as if she is listening to me, and then dives onto my bed, leaving me with almost no room to sleep.
* * *
Luna is avoiding me, I think. She has all my work prepared before I even get up in the mornings, and I hardly see her around the house. She makes herself scarce, leaving my food for me in the evening. She doesn’t come and watch TV in the main living area like before. I miss her, which is crazy, because she drove me to distraction. I avoid her too. I can’t look at her and not think about wanting to have sex with her again, so I don’t look.
I can’t blame her for staying away from me, what happened between us was a disaster, and I made it worse by hurting her feelings. Feelings are not my talent. I have never known how to manage them.
There’s not much I can do to make it right if she won’t even talk to me. It’s not her fault, I have been avoiding her too. I wouldn’t know what to do or say. Now that a little time has passed, it is just awkward. I keep away from her space and don’t ask for anything that would put us in the same room. I married my sister’s best friend, and we had a night of passionate sex I can’t stop replaying in my mind. It’s weird, and inappropriate.
There has to be something I can do to go back to how it was before that, where she made me crazy and fed me bird food. I would have ten dogs if it would make her happy. I miss her good moods, especially when mine are so low. I need a rewind button on my life.
My house is no longer my sanctuary because Luna is lurking somewhere in it. I have never wanted to get out more—that is enough for me to know I am not okay. This needs to stop. I will talk to Audrey and Luna can go. I will pay her notice, and she can be free of me and my misery.
EIGHTEEN
LUNA
We are adults. This is so stupid! I know Spencer is avoiding me. I am avoiding him too. It’s dumb, and awkward, but I have no idea how else to navigate this bullshit. He said sorry and kissed me and said not all of it was a mistake. But didn’t say which partwasa mistake. Which left me overthinking and confused…also, that kiss left me horny.
When we do accidentally run into one another in the house, there’s a tension, an invisible pull to want to touch him. I have tried every mind-over-matter technique I know to stop thinking about sex with Spencer, and none of them work. There is only so much yoga and meditation a girl can do. I’m so Zen I might start making gong sounds soon.
“Athena.” I call for the dog, so I have an excuse to get out of the house and walk her. “We are going to the dog park, girl. Come on.” Park is the magic word. She comes running. Her tail knocks anything in its path over as she barrels through the house. “You excited?” I clip her leash onto the giant purple collar she wears. “Let’s go then.” She drags me out of the house to the car and clambers in, too big to fit in properly.
As we pull out, Spencer pulls into the driveway. He left the house for the second day in a row and went into the office. I hope everyone's jobs survived two whole days of him being there, those poor people. I can imagine the mood he is in and I’m glad we are getting out for a late afternoon park outing. “We missed the grinch,” I say to the dog, who has her head out the open window, ears flapping in the wind.
The dog park is busy this time of day, and there is a real mix and match of pooches and humans. Athena loves the off-leash area and is so good. I think her size scares many of the others from even trying their luck with her. I sit on a bench and toss her ball for her until the sun is almost set and we are almost alone.
Audrey texts me baby pictures and I react with emoji’s. I still haven’t told her what happened with Spencer. I don’t know how to. What do I say?Hey, I accidentally married your brother, and he wants a divorce but every time I look at him, I want to jump his bones—I can’t see that going down very well. I know they have a rule about friends, I think it was to stop Audrey from chasing his college mates. There were a few that caught her fancy, but she always said no. They are both painful about rules. Maybe it is genetic.
Audrey
Coffee tomorrow?
Audrey asks me and guilt bites at me. I can’t face her. One look at me and she will know I have a secret. We are best friends. She knows me better than I know me. Hiding things from Audrey is impossible. I have tried and failed before. She always finds out.
I have a crazy busy day. Your brother is a slave driver. Rain check?
I loathe lying to her. It isn’t right. We always tell each other everything. In detail, now I have this enormous giant thing, and I can’t tell her. I want to—I just can’t. It’s almost dark, and I shiver at just how alone we are now. I look over my shoulder and pocket my phone. “Athena.” I whistle for the dog, and she strolls over.
“We have to go home.” I love how she gives me a playful growl when I put her leash back on. Her tongue lolls out, panting from the fun. In the car, she lies down on the backseat, too pooped to poke her head out the window now. Another text pops up on the car's Bluetooth.
Maybe I can get you some time off? I know the boss ;)
I feel even worse about it now. If she asks Spencer, he might say something. Then she will be mad at me for not telling her first. Shit. I have to talk with him before I answer her and hope like hell she hasn’t already called him.
No more avoiding one another or the giant elephant in the house—we have to talk and decide what we are doing about this situation. We can’t avoid each other and Audrey forever. It really is stupid. I know if he hears me coming, he’ll hide away in some crevice of the house, but I am going to find him.
