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“Chas, Baby…” Levi whispers.
Looking over my shoulder, I see Levi leaning against the wall, watching me warily. He wants to come over to hug me, but isn’t sure where my mind is at.
“It’s an awful thing when your mind fails you,” I rasp, my throat feeling raw from puking and crying. It’s a feeling all too familiar from my time in Hidden Hills, and I shudder.
Flushing the toilet, I grab toilet paper to blow my nose and stand. Walking to the sink, I rinse my mouth out twice before using mouthwash.
Meeting Levi’s eyes in the mirror, I rasp, “You should ask for an annulment, you know.”
Levi’s face goes from worried to angry and stormy in a moment. “Why is that, Chastity?” he asks.
“Because your wife is tainted goods. I really am no better than a blow-up sex doll… The things that happened at Hidden Hills would make you sick…” I whisper, looking down at the counter, my eyes catching on a pair of shiny, silver scissors.
Levi turns me around, pushing my chin up to meet his eyes.
“Trust me when I tell you thatnothingthat happened in that place is your fault. You feel unclean? Purge that shit. Tell me everything, so I can hunt down every last one of the fuckers who hurt you and make them beg for death before I end them. You are perfect in every way, and so damn strong. Your nightmares… Fuck, Baby, you were screaming and I couldn’t make it stop,” he says, his voice filled with pain. “How can I protect you from something I can’t see?”
Blinking rapidly, I want to apologize for waking him up, but I won’t. I know he worries about me, and only wants to slay my multiple enemies. Sometimes that’s just not possible.
“Did you know that electroshock therapy can make you forget things?” I ask softly. “Between that and certain psychotropic drugs, of course.”
“Go on,” Levi murmurs, figuring out quickly that I need to tell him this.
“Visitors had to announce in advance that they were going to be coming by. This way, there weren’t any accidents or surprises. No therapy was planned for that day, and everyone’s medication was upped so that we couldn’t do more than drool. But most importantly, we couldn’t spill any of the hospital’s secrets,” I explain, taking a quick breath to continue.
“People died all the time at the hospital, and their loved ones were told that they tried to escape, or that there was an accident. I don’t know what kind of accident they’d say, because I wasn’t part of the administrative aspect, obviously. But it was always a lie. They’d drown patients while waterboarding them due to negligence, or others died from infection from their injuries. I almost died when I went into shock after being raped multiple times,” I tell him in a dead voice.
It almost feels as if it happened to someone else, as the horror of the memories start to fade, but there’s something bothering me.
“Electroshock therapy can remove some of your memories, and I always lived in fear that I would forget my Angel. Since she’s still not with me, what if I forget what she smells like? She’s growing up without me. I’m missing all of her firsts,” I whisper.
I’ve disassociated from my emotions so quickly, I’m surprised my face is wet with tears.
“I’ve lost her forever,” I tell him, my heart starting to pound. “What if I never see her again? The adoption papers are gone. He doesn’t even have to stay in the state.”
My voice is getting louder, and it’s as if this allows Levi’s restraint to snap. Hugging me to him, he buries his face in my hair.
“We’ll get her back, I swear. And respectfully, you can take your offer for annulment and fuck right off with it, Little Sinner. I am the luckiest man in the world to have you as my wife,” he murmurs into my hair. “I love the bones of you. You’re going to get through this, and I’ll be there every step of the way.”
Sniffling, I nod. “I’m such a mess,” I cry, my hands tightening into the skin of Levi’s back.
“Maybe, but you’re my goddamned mess, and don’t you forget it. Your mind is starting to remember things it has locked away. I wouldn’t be surprised if the shock therapy made this happen as well. Fuck, I almost want to tell you not to participate in this initiation, Baby.” Levi sighs.
“Why?” I ask, pulling back in surprise.
“I’m worried you’ll get triggered somehow, if you’ve had more sexual trauma you haven’t dealt with. Even if you saw a therapist every day up to the initiation, it doesn’t magically go away,” he says.
Biting my lip, I decide to bring up what his father suggested. “Your dad said I may be able to take something that will make me be more… uninhibited. Do you think I should?”
Levi’s face blanks mysteriously for a moment before showing his shock. “I’m going to get you a glass of water, and call my father to find out what he meant by that. Then we can discuss your options, okay? I don’t want to tell you what to do, but this worries me. Will you be okay for a second?”
I nod, even though I’m not really sure how I feel. Levi strides away, looking like my gorgeous knight in his boxers. Turning back to the mirror, I pick at the strands of my long hair, grimacing. I hate how pretty it is, and how it’s been used as a weapon against me.
It’s easy to grab and pull me around. I don’t know what brings me to decide that this is the best course of action, but I’m blaming all of the big emotions that I’m having trouble processing.
I reach for the scissors, and it’s as if someone else is doing it. Lifting a chunk of hair in my fist, I pull it away from me and cut. And… I keep cutting until Levi grabs my hands, throwing the scissors away from me. He drops the glass in his haste, and it shatters on the floor around me.
To Levi’s credit, he doesn’t flinch, holding me tightly with his eyes wide. His chest is heaving, and I meet his stare almost calmly.
