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She had every right to worry. When I came crawling back home because it was the only place I felt safe, I was a mess.
Val was there for me and I loved her for being my friend and my support system.
“It was one night. It doesn’t mean anything. Eventually he’s going to go back to his life and none of this will matter.”
He’d warned me enough times.
Regardless, saying it wouldn’t matter was a lie. It already did. I missed him and he wasn’t gone yet. I missed what I wanted us to be, what I knew we never could but still deep down inside I hoped.
“Okay,” she said, softly rounding the bed. “If you say you know what you’re doing then I believe you but I swear, if he hurts you or Gracie…”
“He won’t. He can’t unless I allow him to and I won’t.”
She hugged me until I playfully pushed her away. “Go back to sleep. This is the forbidden hour for you.”
“Damn sure is so don’t even think about waking me unless it’s a life or death emergency.”
“Wouldn’t think of it because this…” I flipped my wrist in her direction acknowledging the ratty tee, bonnet, under eye mask. “Is not cute.”
“Fuck you.” She grinned. “I’m sexy at my worst and my best.”
As exhausted as I was, I should have been climbing back in my bed but sleep was the last thing on my mind.
Instead of spending hours tossing and turning pretending that rest would find me, I grabbed my laptop and headed downstairs for coffee. Being in bed would only torture me more.
The memories were still too fresh, too strong. Not even fresh sheets had the ability to erase his presence. One night was all it took.
One night that reminded me what it felt like to not just live but to be alive, to feel, to want things that I knew I couldn’t have.
Him.
Just let today be today.
I repeated the affirmation in my head over and over again, trying to convince myself that he hadn’t changed me.
nine
Sol.
He met me at the door, face and posture tight and eyes that tried to hide what I could see.
Concern.
“You didn’t come home.”
“I know, I’m sorry. Shoulda called.”
“Yeah, you should have.”
He turned to walk away with a mixture of relief and fear pulsing around him.
You fucked up, Sol.
“Hey…” After slamming the door and a few long strides, I caught his arm and turned my brother toward me. Beneath the hard look on his face I saw the fear. I saw that broken kid I’d found in the hospital the night our mother died. “I fucked up. Won’t happen again.”
“I’m not your keeper. You can do what you want.” His voice was clipped. Angry.
“I get that but that doesn’t mean I don’t know you worry every time I walk out that door.”
