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“I just want to talk.”
“That ship sailed weeks ago. Leave me alone,” she bites out, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe. I’m so fucking sorry, for everything,” I confess, reaching for her as I sit in the sand. I need to close the space between us. I need to touch her.
“Donottouch me,” Phoebe says through clenched teeth, taking another step back. “Please just do me a favor and leave. You’re the last person I want to see right now.”
I know what she’s doing – she’s in pain and pushing me away. I’ve done the same thing to her every day of the past few weeks, and I’m not letting her sink into that feeling now. “I’m not leaving you, Phoebe. I’m done leaving you. I’ve been a fucking mess these past two weeks without you. I’ve barely been able to sleep, eat, work, or even be a functional human. I’m so exhausted, Bee. I’m tired of trying to deny what I feel for you.”
She sneers down at me, peering down like she wishes I’d disappear. “What exactly do you feel for me, Knox?Pity?Because the only time you give in to your so-called ‘feelings’ is when you’re trying to save me from my shitty life. We both know you wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for what happened with my parents. You feel bad for me, so you’re here to play the hero, once again. I’m not fucking falling for your bullshit again, Knox. I honestly don’t want to hear it, so please just go,” she pleads. Her blonde hair flows angrily in the wind and streaks of dried tears stain her cheeks.
I shake my head, desperately wanting her to understand. “No, I pity your parents, not you. I pity them for missing out on a relationship with their daughter, who happens to be the most mesmerizing person on the planet. I wanted so badly to knock that smug smile off your dad’s face for how he was speaking to you, but that’s not why I’m out here, Phoebe. I’ve been trying to plan out when and how I could talk to you about us. I wasn't planning on it being tonight, but I’m so damn miserable without you, Bee. Your birthday was the last day I felt an ounce of happiness. Waking up next to you felt like a fever dream,” I admit, letting my heart split open onto the sand for her.
“God, Phoebe… I would give anything to wake up to you every day. You said we could find a way to work this out and I’m so sorry it took me so long, but I want to try. You’re so fucking important to me, and you don’t deserve what I put you through. You’ve consumed me since the moment I first met you. Even when we aren't together, you consume me.Every. Damn. Second.”
Phoebe looks at me in disbelief at my confession, and her expression seems to soften before hardening again.
“How dare you,” she spits through clenched teeth. “How fucking dare you push me away again, treat me like a dirty little secret, abandon me for weeks, then try to pull me back into your hold. It’s a cycle with you, Knox. You promised me… you fucking promised me you wouldn’t do this again.You’vebeen a mess?” She snorts a laugh before continuing. “Have you considered what I’ve gone through? After waking me up on my birthday with a bouquet of roses, worshipping every inch of my body with your mouth, claiming me as yours, holding me in your arms like I was your lifeline… you fucking ghosted me. Do you know how that feels, Knox? It made me feel dirty, embarrassed, worthless.You,you made me feel that way. Not my parents, you. So, spare me your bullshit.” She finishes with a shaky breath, and I can practically hear the tears rolling down her cheeks.
“What did you expect, Phoebe?” I respond, raising my voice. I don’t mean to yell, but I need her to understand why I’ve been so hot and cold.
“I don’t know… at least send a fucking text!” she yells back, tossing her arms in the air. “You must be delusional. How could you not know how much you mean to me, Knox. You knew exactly what you were doing when you kissed me goodbye - you were preparing to leave. You let me believe there was a chance. You gave me hope and then ripped it away like I was nothing to you.” Her teeth are clenched now, and it only enrages me further. I’m standing now, not able to stay still.
“Put yourself in my shoes for one goddamn minute! I’m your coach and you’re nineteen! Everything I’ve worked for is now in jeopardy. Hell, if it was only myself I was worried about, I would have thrown all caution to the wind weeks ago, but I have to think about how this could affect you, Phoebe. I lay in bed at night and think about how our relationship could affect your athletic career. You may not want to be on the team, but you’ve worked your ass off to be here. If you decide to let that go, I want it to be your decision, not because of me,” I reply, pacing back and forth in the sand.
“You have no idea how much time I spend contemplating the ‘what ifs’,” I add when she doesn’t speak. “Could you lose your athletic scholarship if we were found out? What will Maisie think? Would another college even consider hiring me? Hell, I don’t know because I never imagined I would be in this situation! I’m thirty-one with a career I’ve spent years building, and I’m sneaking around with my teenage athlete. Jesus Christ, do you understand how that sounds?” I exhale, fisting my hair in my hands.
“You have to level with me, Bee. If you weren’t one of my athletes, I could’ve easily gotten over our age difference. You would have been mine months ago. Our circumstances are a hell of a lot more complicated than that, though. I’ve been dealing with this internal war for months, and I’m so fucking tired, Phoebe. I just want to be with you without worrying about the consequences. I just wantyou,” I rasp, my voice cracking with my confession.
Feeling absolutely defeated, I drop to my knees in the sand again and bury my face in my palms. This entire situation is so fucked, and I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. All I know is that I want Phoebe more than anything.
“Knox…” Phoebe whispers, kneeling in front of me.
“Knox, please look at me,” she pleads, pulling my hands from my face gently. Her thumb swipes away a lone tear that escaped from my tired eyes. I can’t remember the last time I let someone see me cry. When I meet her ocean blue eyes, I see unshed tears waiting to fall, months of want and need finally bubbling to the surface.
“Phoebe, you deserve so much,” I whisper, my voice hoarse. “You deserve so much more than your piece of shit parents. You deserve more than a life you don’t want to live. You deserve a hell of lot more than me, but I’m too fucking selfish to let anyone else have you. You’re my sunrise over the ocean, Bee. Please tell me I haven’t lost you,” I croak, my voice barely audible over the crashing of the waves.
She finally lets her tears fall at my confession and crashes her mouth to mine.
We groan as our mouths collide, our lips and tongues frantically trying to make up for lost time. Phoebe whimpers as I part her lips with my tongue, kissing her deeper than ever before. This isn’t just a kiss; no, it’s the uniting of two souls. I cradle her face in my hands, trying to pull her as close as possible. I feel the mixture of our tears sliding down my fingers, reminding me that we’re so much more than a fling.She’s everything.
When we finally break for air, Phoebe utters the words I’ve been praying to hear.
“I’m yours, Knox. I always have been,” she whispers, her icy blue eyes darting back and forth between mine. “I get it, I do,” she adds. “I hate the way you’ve handled it, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still pissed, but I understand. If you need time to process things, you have to communicate with me. Shutting me out is not the answer. I can’t go through that again.”
I sit back in the sand, dragging her on to my lap and wrapping her legs around my waist. I take her face in my hands and stare directly into her eyes.
“Phoebe… you have no right to believe what I’m about to say but let me make you one final promise. A promise I willneverbreak. I’m sure we will go through a million highs and a million lows, but I will never leave you again. Never again, baby. I can’t promise you I won’t hurt you or fuck up sometimes, but I won’t leave. I won’t put either of us through that again,” I promise.
“What about your job, Knox? What are we going to do? We can’t hide for four years,” she replies, her eyes searching mine.
I nuzzle her neck as I talk, not wanting to stop touching her to think. “I haven’t thought that far ahead, but I’ll figure it out. I can’t leave the team without a coach, but after the spring, I’ll apply to other coaching jobs in the area. We’ll have to keep our relationship discreet and be extra careful until then. I don’t have all the answers right now; I just know I’m not giving you up. No job is worth losing you.” I press a soft kiss to her lips.
Phoebe looks like she’s about to breakdown all over again, but this time, it’s with emotion I recognize mirrored back in myself. “You would just give up your coaching job at CCU for me? Knox, I couldn't let you do that…”
“Phoebe, I would give up the major leagues if it meant I could be with you,” I interrupt, trying to explain just how much she means to me. “We have the rest of the season to figure this out, Bee. Right now, I need you more than my next breath. Come here, baby,” I rasp, gripping the back of her head and pulling her mouth back to mine.
I lose track of time as we kiss like we’re starved for each other. She grips my shoulders, shoving my back onto the sand and covering my body with hers. She trails hungry kisses down my neck before sealing her mouth to my lips again.
